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1. How common is the issue of low libido? Is it more prevalent in men or women?
The presumption is that libido implies sex drive, interest and/or desire for a physiological sexual release. It is difficult to ascertain how common low libido occurs due to inability to definitively define the concept. A pop culture definition for libido may be considered as “wanting to” have sexual relations with another. We know that libidinous urges are variable from male to female, young to old and culture to culture.
Someone who may desire a sexual release several times a day may be as normal as someone with an interest in sex once a month. The assumption that libido is inherent in humans is well accepted most emphatically due to the propagation of the species. What we are truly defining is the normalcy of internal mind/body expression of libido which is complicated due to the vast number of intermingling influential factors related to biology, sociology and psychology. Sense of one’s self as a sexually desirous human being and the satisfaction of that desire can truly only be answered by the individual in relation to life circumstance.
Statistics on the subject of desire in men and women are variable and often undependable. Analysis and reporting of research is dictated by the goal of the study. Hence, the most reliable understanding of low libido should be analyzed in relation to each individual’s ability to maximize their own unique human sexual potential. However, it is not uncommon for individuals of either gender to complain about low libido. This is a reasonable outcome in our society considering the influential power of the mass media’s exhibition of sexual content, concurrent with the lack of sexual education, and the uncomfortable nature of healthy sexual discussion in families! The logic of women as the gatekeepers to pregnancy and the continued double standard of “boys are normal and girls are bad,” obviously reinforce the problem of low libido for women. The gate gains strength as women repress sexual impulses with no instructions on how to open it.
2. What might be some causes of low libido? How do you treat individuals with libido issues and can these issues be prevented?
Individual complaints of low libido, decreased sex drive, or simply lack of feeling “horny” are common “catch all” phrases expressed by clients seeking treatment for sexual dissatisfaction. Determining the possible causes of low libido and how it is affecting the person currently is a significant emphasis of treatment. First, it is always important to rule out medical and mental illnesses that may interfere with libido. A detailed past history of relationships and sexual experiences is significant for analysis with regard to the current complaint of low libido. A primary intervening variable in the ability for an individual to feel and express sexual desire is the socializing influence of the family! A typical response from a client when queried as to what they learned growing up is, “nothing was said.”
Most people don’t realize that covert unspoken messages are as potent to the psyche as overt verbal messages. The health of the relationship and the ability to communicate intimate details are also significant, and heavily reliant on one’s history. Education is one of the most important keys to successfully overcoming and preventing sexual problems. First, understanding the sexual system and the specifics of the physical problem and secondly learning about the overwhelming power of the mind to influence sexual feelings and behaviors are both essential to that success. The power of the mind is twofold. The mind is extremely powerful in its ability to influence the body either in the expression or the repression of sexual impulses and behaviors from desire to arousal to orgasm! The power of successful, positive mind/body connections cannot be emphasized enough when it comes to allowing oneself to experience the joy of sexual pleasure!
3. What are some common reasons behind a person’s trouble reaching orgasm? Which is more effective – prevention or treatment? Can you elaborate?
The inability of an individual to reach orgasm is similar to the ideas discussed in the previous question about libido. To reiterate simply again, it is necessary to rule out medical and mental illnesses and to understand the influences of the family, including friends, religion and culture in relation to the ability to orgasm. As in all sexually related problems, orgasm is significantly affected by the psyche. Performance anxiety is a significant problem with regard to men and erectile dysfunction whether loss of erection or delayed ejaculation, as well as women unable to orgasm. Both men and women will often be able to masturbate to orgasm but will not be able to “let go” with a partner.
One common theme is too many “spectators in the mind,” which rules in anxiety and negative thinking and rules out focus on the enjoyable erotic feelings, hence inhibiting orgasm. It is also important to understand the nature of intimacy and trust in relation to orgasm as the ultimate in “letting go.” Personal past relationships and the perception of how one was treated is particularly significant, as well as the relationships of the parents and how the parents treated the child. It should be mentioned that woman have more problems with anorgasmia, that is inability to orgasm, than men. Men don’t need to be educated in what to touch. Unfortunately, the world equates penis and vagina for ultimate pleasure. The relationship should be between the penis and the clitoris. If we, and particularly mothers, would educate our young women about the pleasures of their clitoris, anorgasmia would be much less frequent! Of course then we would have to change the world’s perceptions about the evils of masturbation which still persist today!
4. What are three tips you’d give long-term couples to keep things steamy in the bedroom?
The primary concept in keeping a sexual relationship “hot” is reinforcing the ability to communicate honestly, which subsumes every idea about enhancing sexual experiences. First, the couple has to discuss ideas that they remember from early in the relationship that they were afraid to discuss, hence inhibited sexual activities. For instance, the wife says early in the marriage she hated giving blow jobs to her boyfriend, hence the husband was afraid to ask. Second, they need to learn to discuss private thoughts and fantasies they have always wanted to act out, but did not discuss for fear the partner would not approve. Third, continued sexual education and experimentation. Physical changes come with age. The ability to be honest and forthright about the changes, fears and lost expectations with oneself and then to your partner is paramount. This enables the couple to cope with reality and change, allowing for solutions that fit today! All of these ideas about enhancing a couple’s sex life presume that the couple has worked through the losses of the way they wished the relationship had been or is today. Wishing life had been different fosters a chronic sense of loss and all the accompanying feelings of anger and sadness directed at the other person and oneself. Sex is a primary activity to sabotage with hidden agenda, so beware!
5. What advice would you give to a normally reserved couple that is looking to take their sexual relationship up a notch? What are some easy and non-intimidating ways to get started?
The primary emphasis would be to “desensitize” the couple to sexual communication and behaviors. Desensitization is an evolving process which allows for the release of anxiety with regard to specific sexual thoughts and behaviors, to a state of calm. This would be integrated as one of the positive outcomes of treatment. Initial discussions would begin with their beliefs and behaviors and where and when each individual learned them. It is imperative that the therapist envelopes the beliefs of the clients and understands what their goals are!
About Dr. Denise Silbert: SexTherapyOfSanDiego.com GolfHypnosis.com
Dr. Silbert is a Board Certified Sexologist, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Board Certified Psychiatric Clinical Nurse Specialist, and Registered Nurse. Since 1977 Dr. Silbert has treated medical, psychological and sexual problems utilizing cognitive, behavioral, and psychodynamic theoretical models. Dr. Denise T. Silbert is an expert in treating psychological disorders, sexual problems and maladaptive behaviors which interfere with a person’s ability to successfully balance the inner workings of the mind with the influences and expectations of external reality. Her educational background is representative of the holistic approach she utilizes in treatment for psychological and sexual problems. To understand the “hoop de la” of the modern fascination with “normalcy of sexuality” one must analyze the historical intermingling constructs of medicine, biology, psychology, sociology, economy, politics, religion, and philosophy, to name a few!
The comprehensive approach is the cornerstone of treatment for Dr. Silbert when treating individuals and couples for sexual and psychological problems. Understanding the pain, understanding the problem and most importantly understanding the process for change and acceptance by the individual is the professional expertise provided by Dr. Silbert. Sexual contentment evolves through understanding the conscious and unconscious influences of past relationships which hinder and/or promote a sexually healthy self for today. As an educator, researcher, practitioner, and media consultant Dr. Silbert integrates ideas to formulate a lively reality oriented practical discussion!
Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor
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