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1. How are the personal relationships of someone with self-esteem problems affected by this issue?
Individuals with self-esteem issues have a difficult time believing in themselves; that their beliefs and feelings are not as worthy as they perceive others to be. They are constantly looking outside themselves to others for approval. In relationships, they may look towards the other person for approval in order to feel worthy. This can cause them to seek out relationships where the other person is emotionally stronger. They can essentially put their self worth in the hands of others. In turn, the stronger person can either be helpful or hurtful towards the individual with self-esteem issues. Helpful in the sense that they provide the individual with poor self esteem opportunities to grow and feel better about them.
Hurtful in the sense that they may be domineering or abusive which keeps the individual with poor self-esteem from growing and improving their self worth. Putting all of one’s self worth in the hands of another can be detrimental to a relationship. It can cause undue burden to the emotionally stronger person wanting to help or can give all the control to a domineering or abusive person. Either scenario can jeopardize a relationship. It is important for individuals with self esteem issues to seek their own opportunities that promote growth and in turn will give them opportunities for positive relationships.
2. What are some steps people with low self-esteem can take to lift themselves up and/or realize their own value? 
It is important for individuals with poor self-esteem to find opportunities to grow and realize their own value. Some examples in which they can do this are:
- Surround yourself with people that support you, but do not take advantage of you.
- Make a list of what your good qualities are, what you enjoy, and are good at. Include even what you think are the smallest things.
- List areas of your life where you feel you are and can be in control of.
- Find a counselor that specializes in working with individuals with self esteem issues to help you implement your ideas for growth.
3. How might infertility affect a marriage? How can a couple come together during this difficult time?
Infertility can be very stressful and painful for a couple trying to conceive a child. Their plans and dreams of starting a family are not happening the way they envisioned. This is a tremendous loss to the couple especially when friends and family are becoming pregnant and having children all around them. Feelings of shame, hopelessness, and helplessness can ensue. These feelings may be too painful to share between partners, which compounds the difficulty in working through them. Some ways a couple can come together during this difficult time is:
- Communicate openly, listen, and support each other
- Try to maintain a sense of humor. It can be very cathartic during this difficult time
- Plan a trip, an outing, or a project you can do together
- Join or start an infertility support group through Resolve or another organization in your community to organize and maintain a support system outside yourselves.
- Attend counseling with a therapist that specializes in infertility and couples counseling
4. How might an adoption unexpectedly affect a relationship or current family dynamic?
Adoption is usually a joyful time for a couple or family, especially if they had to wait a long time for the child to join their family due to infertility or a long adoption process. However, it can also unexpectedly affect a relationship or a family dynamic if one of the partners in the couple is having difficulty connecting emotionally with the child or if the child has special needs that were unknown at the time of adoption. These issues can either disrupt a family or bring a family together. It is important to discuss these feelings together as a couple/family and seek resources from the agency that placed the child, a local adoption support group, or professional to work through these issues. Adoption can also affect a relationship unexpectedly in the sense that it can show a couple’s/family’s strength and ability to pull together in a crisis.
5. What are three tips you would give someone to become more engaged and “present” in their own life?
The three things I can offer someone who wants to become more engaged and present in their life are:
- Live in the “here and now” meaning recognize what’s going on in your life every moment, hour, and day. Often, we live our lives in the past or the future. While it is important to plan for the future and remember the past, it is also vital to recognize and enjoy our lives in the present
- Recognize and reward yourself for your accomplishments—even the small ones–at the time they are achieved.
- Make attainable goals for yourself so you are setting yourself up for success and not failure.
About Mariann Arcari Rubin: MARubin.com SWAdoption.com
Mariann is a licensed clinical social worker serving the Phoenix, Arizona metropolitan area with over 20 years of experience. She utilizes a Humanistic approach in working with clients to include the whole person; mind, body, and spirit; in a caring, compassionate, and non-judgmental atmosphere. Treatment is always private and confidential. She also provides adoption Home Study services through an Arizona licensed adoption agency.
Mariann received her Masters degree in Social Work from New York University in 1992 and her Bachelors Degree in Psychology from Long Island University/C.W. Post College in 1987. She received her social work certification in New York in 1992 and received her clinical social work licensure for Arizona and New York in 2004. She has had Post Masters training in several areas of counseling including Gestalt (Humanistic) method, self-esteem, depression, anxiety, grief and loss, infertility, adoption, parenting, special needs, gifted children’s needs, and coping with medical issues. She has also facilitated support groups on medical issues, infertility, adoption, and pregnancy loss.
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