Interview with Dean Osborne – The Nature of Cheating
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1. Do women and men cheat for different reasons? What are they?
I’ve heard so many scientific reasons for why men and women cheated — all of these theories I have seen online or in books. But what I have observed and seen personally is very simplistic. I have exchanged many private emails with visitors from my website that have confessed to cheating and what was revealed to me is that it all comes down to “missing something” in their lives. Whether a man or a woman, the story would have the same theme about what they weren’t getting at home.
For some, this was an emotional connection, and for others, it satisfied sex. Because of these deficiencies at home, they turned to someone else to fulfill those needs. There are complexes known as the Maddona/Whore for men and The Daddy-Don Juan Syndrome for women in which men and women want one type of person for the stability of their family and household and another for their bedroom. The perfect example of this is what has just come to light with Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. So, In essence, the reasons are the same, which is to fulfill a deficiency in their relationship.
2. If someone has a gut feeling their spouse or partner is cheating, but they don’t have any of “hard” evidence to back up their hunch, what should they do?
The first thing I would say is that they are probably right. The “gut” is one of the best gauges that one can use without actually having hard evidence. That is the first thing I would probably tell a friend if they needed my advice. Of course, the next thing I would say was to get busy on getting the evidence they needed to bust them cheating or put their suspicions to rest.
I would not recommend them spending their every waking minute and the last ounce of energy doing so, but like you would pay close attention to your child if you suspected that they were involved in some potential harmful situations, you should do the same for your relationship. It is something meaningful to you, and in some cases, a spouse can identify the deficiency in the connection and correct it before the other spouse ever actually cheats.
As far as hard evidence, paying attention and making mental and physical notes of answers you get from your loved one is a must so that you can recall them later to see if the story changes when you ask them about the same things a few days later. The next best thing I would say is investing in a reliable computer monitoring program that you can install on your home computer. It will allow you to see everything that goes down on the computer when you are not around. If he is cheating, in time, this method will catch him. These methods are all short of actually getting a private investigator which of course would probably be ideal if the concern was so great and finances didn’t limit you.
3. Do you believe in the old cliché “Once a cheater, always a cheater?” Why or why not?
This one is easy. That cliché needs to be changed to “Once a cheater, hopefully, they have changed!” Change is definitely possible. I am currently living my life as a reformed cheater in which I am now utterly content in my marriage. As I got older, I found an inner peace that has steered me away from chasing what I used to think could fill any voids that I had. My family is what now occupies that space, so there is no room for anything else. In saying that, however, if the cheater still feels as if they are missing something or that they still have a void to fill then they will undoubtedly step out on their relationship to meet those needs. So “Once a cheater, hopefully, they have changed!”
4. Do you think that emotional cheating (extramarital relationships that never become physical) is as dangerous to a marriage as physical cheating?
I definitely think it is just as dangerous if not more dangerous than the physical aspect of cheating. The central element of fraud that usually hurts the most is the deceit that the hurt partner often feels. Think about this, and there are couples that are swingers that don’t mind that their spouse sleeps with someone else, as long as they are there or know about it. The deceit of them sneaking behind their backs is what they would consider cheating. The physical act alone would be sexually stimulating, but if there is deceit, then it is “cheating.” When the cheater is emotionally connected to their lover, that always means they are disconnected from their spouse.
The emotional connection that a couple of shares is what creates the bond to any healthy relationship. If there is no emotional connection, the cheater can usually meet their physical needs and come back home as a loving spouse. However, over time, the sex at home will often suffer in this scenario.
5. What are some ways couples can avoid straying from one another? What boundaries should be set to ensure the line never gets crossed?
As I mentioned, a partner usually strays when they lack something in their relationship. In saying that, I would advise couples to keep the line of communication “very open.” Individually I think it is each partner’s responsibility to stay attuned with the pulse of the relationship. By doing so, they will put themselves in a situation in which they can make necessary changes to fill the deficiencies before it is too late. Once again, just like your child may not scream out for help if they find themselves in an unhealthy situation, the same goes for your spouse.
The setting of boundaries needs to be addressed in open and casual conversations. In other words, your partner should hear it from your mouth exactly how you feel on each and every topic that concerns you. They should know what you expect from the relationship and vice versa.
About Dean Osborne – Signs-of-a-Cheater.com
Dean currently resides in Pembrook Pines, Florida and through his own trials and tribulations in life started Signs-of-a-Cheater.com. Dean shares a unique look at why people cheat on their spouses. Dean also describes how his personal life changed so dramatically and how the new spin pushed him in a far better direction.
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Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor