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As a Sex Therapist, These Are the Questions I Get Asked the Most

What you’ll learn from this article:

  • Men and women have different sexual concerns
  • Top five men’s sexual concerns
  • What is premature ejaculation and how it is treated
  • Average penis size in the United States
  • Most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone
  • 92 percent of American men masturbate
  • Erectile dysfunction is treatable with medication and counseling as needed.

When it comes to sex, I’ve seen and heard it all. I am a sexologist and people come to me for help with their most intimate problems. Sometimes I am the first person they talk to about their bedroom difficulties.

I always admire my clients for having the courage to open up and ask for help. This is the best way to a happy and fulfilling sex life. By talking to me, they learn about intimate communication, so our sessions are like a training field. Everything you learn from a sexologist will help you be a better lover.

Women and men come with different concerns. For example, most men don’t have any difficulty with orgasms. At the same time, 5 to 10 percent of women have never climaxed.  Men’s questions are often connected with the idea of a perfect lover, created by adult films. I’m not surprised my clients are so frustrated! Pornography paints a very unrealistic picture of bedroom performance.

Here are five main questions that come up again and again in my practice:

How Do I Last Longer in Bed?

Premature ejaculation (PE) is one of the most common sexual problems for men. One in three men of all ages have experienced it at some point in their lives.  Modern sex therapists tend to use the term “early ejaculation.” This helps take the pressure off an already anxious patient.

Medical publications say that PE means you finish anywhere between 15 seconds and three minutes. According to a more practical definition, ejaculation is premature when the guy comes sooner than he would have wished.

What does it look like in real life? Men who come to me for help say they come too soon, leaving their partner unsatisfied. This is especially true for heterosexual couples, as most women need a long time to experience orgasm from penetration.

Premature Ejaculation happens when the man comes too soon

Premature ejaculation happens when the man comes too soon

To learn how to last longer in bed, we need to work on many levels. I teach the client to be more aware of his body and recognize the “point of no return” when ejaculation is inevitable. This gives him a chance to react – for example, by pausing movement, breathing, or using the “squeeze technique.”

In many cases, it is necessary to address the emotional causes of PE as well. For example, some men feel under pressure to perform in bed. The more they focus on lasting longer, the more stressed they get. It’s a vicious circle. For some men, a combination of medicines, including the popular ED drug Cialis may help reduce PE symptoms.

Is My Penis Size OK?

Size is another top concern among men. Some are so worried and desperate for answers that they send me pictures of their genitalia for assessment. Mind you, this is not how we do our work, and no sexologist is going to evaluate the size of your penis based on a photo. If you are concerned about the length or shape, the best thing to do is go to the doctor.  A urologist can check for any irregularities.

Most guys who worry about their size have no reason for it whatsoever. Worldwide average is about 5.21 inches (13.24 cm) for a stretched penis. Doctors usually don’t recommend any medical procedures for men who are above 3 inches (7.62 cm).

Try not to compare yourself to porn stars. Remember they are selected for their unusually large penises, so they don’t represent the norm.

An average penis size is 5.21 inches

Average penis size is 5.21 inches

How Do I Satisfy My Partner?

Men who ask for my advice want to be better lovers. They care about the satisfaction of their partners and want to give them an amazing time in bed. That’s great, but it can also be a trap. If you judge the quality of your performance by the number of orgasms your partner had during intercourse, you are not seeing the full picture.

I always recommend to my clients that they gather the courage to talk honestly with their lovers. Ask her what makes a great sexual experience for her. And do talk about the clitoris!

The truth is, the vagina is not a woman’s top pleasure spot. Only 18.4 percent climax through penetration alone. The majority come when their clitoris is stimulated. To learn more, check out this handy guide to clitoral techniques.

Is It Normal to Masturbate When in a Relationship?

Masturbation. (Almost) all men do it. Lots of men worry about it. According to a large 2018 survey, 92 percent of American men practice self-pleasuring. Still, many of my clients think there is something wrong with them. They believe that masturbating while in a relationship is a sign of a problem. They worry that their sex drive is too high or that they are losing interest in their partner.

If you have regular sex and masturbate too, there is nothing wrong with you. Our sexuality is complex and there are different ways to express it. Self-pleasuring is a way to learn about your body or soothe yourself after a stressful day. As long as you don’t feel your behavior is compulsive (when the activity controls your life and you have to do it no matter what), there is no need to seek treatment.

You can have satisfying partner sex and still masturbate

You can have satisfying partner sex and still masturbate

I’m Losing My Erections. Help!

Last but not least, ED is the leading sexual dysfunction for men. They contact me, saying they had a few episodes when they “failed” in bed. Or they tell me they can get hard but the erection is unreliable and intercourse gets interrupted.

First of all, erectile dysfunction is not a failure. It’s a condition that can and should be treated, like anything else. Before contacting a sex coach or sex therapist, make sure to get a medical check-up. Causes of ED are predominantly physical. It’s also possible that medication you take messes with your ability to get hard.

Your doctor will refer you out to a counselor if he or she sees that your condition is more psychological. For example, you may have performance anxiety. A therapist can help you increase confidence and focus on your sensations to allow your body to do its job.

Regardless of the causes of your erectile dysfunction, starting treatment will help you regain your sexual function. Pills such as Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra have been on the market for years. They are very safe and effective for most men. To learn more about available ED medications and order your prescription with a safe and confidential home delivery, visit eDrugstore.com.

Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.