1. You specialize in self hypnosis for increased sexual pleasure. Interesting concept. Can you please elaborate on what this entails and how someone might go about it?
The celebrated sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, found that for both men and women’s sexual arousal begins by entering a physically relaxed state, called the parasympathetic state. In this state blood flows to the genitals and the woman begins to lubricate.
Self-hypnosis also begins with relaxation. As you enter self-hypnosis, you put aside the worries and demands of the day. I like to think of sex as adults at play–the idea is to relax and have fun. So going into self-hypnosis takes care of the first part, relaxing. In self-hypnosis you are more in touch with your body. You can connect with the physical feelings of arousal. My self-hypnosis program teaches people how to enter that state to and use it.
But self-hypnosis also helps with the second part, having fun. The negative ideas a person got about sex while growing up can interfere with letting go and having fun. As you go deeper into self hypnosis you quiet the critical faculty which is in charge of all the bad feelings around sex. As the critical faculty takes time off, negative attitudes toward sex are eliminated or reduced. Positive feelings take their place and you are ready to have fun. However, with self-hypnosis you won’t do anything against your values. Self-hypnosis can also be used to handle problems with shifting from arousal to orgasm. Masters and Johnson found a difference between getting turned on and having an orgasm. There is a switch from the relaxation state to the action state of the body. Technically that is called a switch from the parasympathetic state to the sympathetic state. As you approach orgasm, heart rate increases, pelvic movements speed up and the muscles become tense. Men who have trouble with premature ejaculation need to learn what is called the point of no return, that point where orgasm becomes inevitable. It’s much easier for a man to identify and delay the point of no return in self-hypnosis.
Too many women have trouble getting turned on and then having an orgasm. In self-hypnosis a woman can learn to recognize and increase the first signs of arousal. They can connect with their bodies more easily and become more aware of the feelings in the body. The same thing applies to having an orgasm. Researchers found that almost all women have at least some physical reactions like they are having an orgasm during sexual activity. In self-hypnosis a woman can learn to recognize those feelings and increase them until she can have stronger, more pleasurable orgasms.
2. What is the easiest way to enhance female pleasure?
Women respond best to romance. For a lot of women sexuality is connected with a lasting relationship. A woman wants to know that her partner is really committed to her and loves her. You can enhance a woman’s pleasure by communicating to her that she is loved and that she is beautiful. Show her by doing the things you know she likes. It could be giving her flowers, taking out the trash or doing the dishes.
Being able to unhook a woman’s bra in one second on their first date won’t endear him to her. The emotional side of getting her turned on is what really matters. A man who is a good lover and partner makes an effort to learn what is special the woman in his life. He wants to know what is unique about her in terms of what she likes him to say, what romantic overtures make her feel good and turn her on. He pays attention to the types of sexual touching that feel good to her. He isn’t just running through a set of techniques that he learned in a book or from friends. He really pays attention to what SHE likes.
Women’s natural responsiveness to excitement is enhanced through anything that she considers romantic first and sexual second. Telling a woman you love her, giving her flowers or a romantic card, kissing her, nibbling at her ears, being open and loving emotionally are all sexual enhancements. Women don’t like to feel selfish so sometimes they pay more attention to you than they do themselves. Therefore another easy enhancement (a secret great lovers around the world know) is finding a way to make her feel special and that she is the center of your world when you are having sex.
When it comes to the physical side of sex for women, it is foreplay first and foremost! There are a few women who like going straight to intercourse, but most respond to foreplay, and lots of it. Second, knowing good technique is invaluable. For example, gently cupping a woman’s breast is much more of a turn on than flat ironing it. Gently and slowly working your way to the clitoris through light, soft strokes will have her begging for more. Be sure to have some form of lubrication because those tissues can get raw without it. Saliva or any water soluble lubrication is the best choice, never Vaseline.
3. Same question, but for the guys: What is the easiest way to enhance male pleasure?
We know men and women are different and it is never more true than in the bedroom. The challenge is understanding and valuing that difference. Women are usually more interested in the emotional side of sex and like lots of romance. But guys take a lot of time learning sexual techniques without emotional content. So men think that by being a stud with great technique is what a woman wants. And women tend to act more romantically when they want to turn a man on. Indicating love and lasting relationships is not as important to him as it is to a woman.
Take a hint from what men pay attention to. When you do you will see that they pay attention to technique and the physical side of sex without a lot of romance, though it is true that men look at a girl’s face before they look at her breasts. For him romance means letting him know that you are sexually interested and available. But that doesn’t mean running up to him, kissing him and grabbing his crotch. The classic way works best. You indicate sexual interest by flirting with him and then holding back so he has to come to you and court you a bit. The trick is learning the right speed for any particular man. You need to be aware of his increasing arousal and holding back a little so he has to keep approaching. That’s the way to turn him on.
Men’s natural responsiveness to excitement is enhanced through anything that he considers sexual first and romantic second. A pretty, tiny night gown or a revealing dress is a very good start. There are a thousand special sexual techniques. When the going gets hot and heavy, use a couple of those special tricks he likes and watch him explode.
4. What are some tips you’d give couples regarding how to re_ignite things in the bedroom?
Nothing re-ignites the bedroom like the flirtations of your younger years. If you and your partner are getting along well, then loving, playful flirting can ignite the fires of excitement. If you’re a bit at odds better work on that first.
Keeping what I call your love bank in good shape is the best remedy for a life time of good sex. The love bank is the sum total of the good feelings you have for each other. Every nice thing you do for each other and every display of interest in your partner adds to your love bank. If you have a full account, you will have a lasting, loving relationship.
The interesting thing is we tend give to give our partner what we want. The problem is men and women want different things so the best way to re-ignite those home fires is to give your partner what they want. For women, get sexier! For men, get more romantic! Lightly caress and tease but don’t undress completely. Play a little hard to get. Dance together, find a word that means sex that only the two of you know. Use it at a party. These little games can add a lot of excitement to your love life.
5. What are three tips you would give someone to become more engaged in their own sexual life?
- Get comfortable with the idea that you are a sexual person. Try on alluring clothes and see how it feels to wear things that are more sexy than you are used to. If this makes you uncomfortable use self-hypnosis to become more comfortable.
- Learn about your body’s sexual parts and which pleasure you and how that part can best pleasure you. Most women know about their clitoris, but many do not know about the clitoral shaft and how to stimulate it.
- Women need to learn to fantasize. Men need to develop their sensuous side.
About Karen Gless, Ph.D: SexTherapyDoctor.com
Since 1985 Dr. Karen Gless has had a practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist. Before that she worked as a Registered Nurse. Because she specializes in sexual problems, her experience as a nurse gives her a unique understanding of the physical side of sex, while her training in human sexuality and counseling enables her to work with the emotional side. She also specializes in couples therapy and has guided many couples to the satisfying sex life that is naturally part of a good relationship. She has advanced training in hypnosis and its use in treating sexual problems. She has spoken before local groups and has been interviewed several times on television about the sexual problems modern couples face. Dr. Gless has written numerous articles on “Communication for Couples” for Living Better Magazine and has been quoted in articles about sexual issues in Cosmo Magazine.
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