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1. How common is a bout of low libido during the course of a long-term relationship? What are some factors that contribute to this issue and what can be done to prevent/rectify them?
Low libido is the most prevalent reason that couples seek sex therapy. It is very likely that a couple may have a bout of low libido over the course of a long-term relationship. Concern about low libido is estimated to occur in 30-40% of American women.
One in 7 men also struggle with lowered levels of desire. There are many factors that can decrease libido such as:
- Medications (such as SSRI anti-depressants)
- Anxiety or Depression
- Demands of childbearing and child-rearing
- Difficulty relaxing and being present enough to enjoy sex
- Sexual boredom, or unfulfilling sexual practices
- Difficulty with sexual communication
- Sexual dysfunction (erection problems, lack of orgasm)
- Relationship conflicts or disconnection from partner
- Being raised to believe that sex is dirty or shameful
- Unrealistic expectations about sex and intimacy
- Lack of information about sexual functioning
- Buried resentment, lack of trust or respect for partner
- Loss of attraction to partner
- Sexual trauma
- Sexual orientation issues
Working with a Certified Sex Therapist can help a couple identify what is causing the low libido. Then, the therapist will guide the couple in finding ways to remedy the problem. For some, this means talking directly about the problem, rather than avoiding it. For others, it may mean homework assignments designed to get past the blocks or barriers. As far as prevention, couples should be proactive in getting accurate information about sexuality, and learning how to talk about sex with their partner – as early in the relationship as possible.
2. Why is achieving orgasm so hard for some women (and some men, for that matter)?
Many women have had no education about their sexual organs or sexuality. Many have also been taught to “be good girls.” Some have never looked at their genitals, and may not know how to find their clitoris, which is the primary way that women have orgasms. The combination of internalized shame about being a sexual woman – which for many is associated with being “slutty” – with a lack of information about sexual anatomy and functioning can leave many women in the dark and inhibited about orgasm. Some women say that having an orgasm seems scary or out of control if they have never had one. And if you don’t have the emotional safety you need with your partner to let go, it may be hard to reach orgasm as well.
3. Are there different types of female orgasms?
Yes, there is orgasm from intercourse – a vaginal orgasm. Only 25-30% of women have this type of orgasm. Most need clitoral stimulation, and the clitoral orgasm is another type. Some women can also orgasm
from G-spot stimulation.
4. Does the way a woman view herself sexually, ultimately affect her chances for encountering sexual problems?
Definitely. Women need to own their sexuality. This means having information about sexual functioning, and being comfortable with using it for sexual pleasure. It means being able to talk openly to their partners – to ask for what they want. It means being able to be free to express themselves sexually, and to revel in all the pleasure and connection that can bring.
5. How can couples learn to express their wants and desires to each other without being embarrassed, sounding selfish or feeling otherwise awkward?
I have a chapter about this in my book, No Room For Sex: How To Boost Your Low Libido. There is just no escaping the feeling awkward or embarrassed when you are first learning to communicate with your partner. Anytime you try to learn a new skill, you will be awkward and not likely good at it til you practice it many times. Accepting that this is part of having a wonderful sex life, and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is the only way to get past the awkwardness and embarrassment. As far as being selfish, in order to reach orgasm, most will need to focus intensely on their own sensations and pleasure to get there. This is one area where being selfish can be good for your relationship!
About Lauren Jordan LCSW, CST: BoostYourLowLibido.com
Lauren is a Certified Sex Therapist. She has been practicing psychotherapy since 1986. She has been coaching since 2002. She has a Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Texas at Austin, and is licensed by the state at the highest level – for private practice. She is a member of the American Association for Sexuality Counselors, Educators and Therapists, National Association of Social Workers and the Academy of Certified Social Workers. She has held leadership positions in several Dallas psychotherapy organizations. She is the former Clinical Director of New Beginning Center, where she worked for 9 years with domestic violence clients. Lauren has had training and clinical experience with: Sexuality Issues & Sexual Dysfunction Treatment, Marital Counseling, Infertility Counseling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Healing for Sexual Abuse Survivors, Domestic Violence, Therapy with Adolescents and Children, Eating Disorders, Group Psychotherapy, Depression, & Anxiety.
Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor
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