This interview with couples Therapist Ricci Schmidt is one in a series of expert interviews on the eDrugstore.com blog.
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1. In your opinion, why do so many couples end up with communication issues, a decrease in sexual relations, and an increase in arguments and disagreements? Can this be 
avoided, or are essentially all marriages on a path to this fate?
Let’s face it, arguments and disagreements are a natural part of life and especially relationships! After all, it is what keeps most couples therapists in business. However, communication issues leading to marital dissatisfaction and divorce is a common misnomer. Plenty of couples argue and fight on a regular basis but still rate their marital satisfaction very high. Fighting and arguing do not mean a couple has poor communication. Typically at the heart of communication issues is a lack of friendship, mutual respect, and emotional intelligence.
John Gottman, PH.D., has completed amazing research on couples and I really like what he has to say about the importance of emotional intelligence in a successful marriage/partnership. According to Gottman, having emotional intelligence essentially means that couples keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones (Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work pg3).
When there is a break down in emotional intelligence that is when the couple fails to see the positive aspects of their partner. This leads to negatively focused communication such as blaming and not taking responsibility for self and usually a decrease in sexual relations. All marriages are not on a path to failure or negative communication, the therapy just has to be focused in the right areas.
2. What is the most common reason couples stop having sex? How can a couple that has not been intimate for a while restart that part of their relationship?
There are so many reasons for a decrease in sex among couples: lowered self-esteem, stress, loss of emotional connection, medical issues, major life changes such as children, death, or relocation. I feel the most common reason is that couples often get complacent and caught up in a routine. They fail to make time and put effort into making the physical act of love fun again!
Getting a couple reengaged sexually takes time. Staying focused on the positive aspects of their relationship has to be used as fuel when trying to strengthen the weaker areas. They have to reconnect on an emotional level and create a friendship again, remember where the attraction came from.
In some instances, it is completely redefining themselves as a couple. Nothing is constant, change happens. Couples need to realize that people change and grow too and this can affect their sex life also. What once was an attraction may no longer be, what act of foreplay was once pleasurable, isn’t anymore. Couples have to keep up with the physical and emotional development of themselves over their life span and not be afraid of change and exploration that will lead to satisfaction.
3. Is there a “right” way to argue? If so, can you clue us in?
The simple answer is, no. There may be better ways than others, but it is not as simple as, “if you conduct your arguments in this manner you will have a peaceful resolution and higher marital satisfaction.” Realistically no one could take the time to ensure this was happening even it was true. Most marriage therapists working with couples that have a higher propensity to argue will teach them active listening in the form of the Speaker-Listener technique.
The problem with this is that it was adapted from techniques used by Carl Rogers for individual therapy, not couples. Plain and simple, research shows it does not work long term for most couples. There are times where it may come in handy, but this technique alone will not save a marriage/partnership.
Of course, if you are one of the few that it does work for, by all means, continue! Again, I like what Gottman has to say on the subject, “there are many different styles of arguing, some avoid it at all costs, some fight a lot, and some are able to talk out their differences and reach a compromise without ever raising their voices. No one style is better than the other as long as the style works for both people” (15).
4. How can couples that are put through the wringer with life’s obligations learn to be playful and fun again? How can they re-learn to be friends and not take everything too seriously?
A marriage or partnership is hard work and takes dedication and commitment to make it work throughout the lifetime of the relationship. The couple has to get active again and find things they enjoy doing and, in the words of Nike, “Just do it!” Do not be afraid to do silly, playful, or childish things. Just get active! It is important to note that couples may not have all of the same interests, but part of fostering a healthy relationship is doing something the other finds fun, even if you do not.
Look for the enjoyment in the other’s face at the fact that you are there with them. Find pleasure in that you are with your partner, making it work, not necessarily loving what they chose to do for that time spent together.
5. In your opinion, what are the keys to a long, healthy sex life and happy life overall?
Having a long “emotionally” happy sex life and life, in general, has a lot to do with having a “physical” healthy lifestyle. Get regular check-ups by your doctor, eat a balanced diet, and get regular exercise.
Research shows that a lack of attention to the above areas often leads to emotional pitfalls such as depression, anxiety, and decreased sex drive, to name
a few. Also, as stated previously, we all change throughout our lives. Do not expect the person you married or entered into a partnership with to be the exact same person 10-30 years later.
We all grow and change and the relationship, including sex, has to change with it. Make the success of your relationship a priority and if you need help, get it! Most couples wait until it is too late to search out therapy. The best advice I can give is to use therapy proactively, rather than reactively. Don’t wait until the problem(s) seem too big to solve, rather find a therapist early in the relationship and check in every few years, even if it seems to be going well…this will help keep it that way!
About Ricci Schmidt: CoreInsightsLLC.com
Ricci obtained her Master’s level degree in Clinical Counseling from the University of Northern Colorado and has resided in Denver, Colorado for the past 6 years. She is also a Nationally Certified Counselor and currently working toward her Colorado state license. Ricci runs a private practice focused on psychotherapy for individuals, couples, and families. In addition to work in private practice, she previously served through a local non-profit agency providing mental health services to the greater metropolitan population, regardless of their ability to pay, and also with the Denver Public Schools as an elementary school counselor through the Children First Program.
Ricci takes a systemic approach to therapy utilizing client-centered ideas in an effort to best understand and build a relationship with her clients. A strength-based and solution-focused direction is very important to her when collaborating with her clients to assist them in walking their path. You can learn more about Ricci by visiting her website at http://www.coreinsightsllc.com
Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor
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