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1. Do you believe there is a social stigma still present regarding sex? If yes, how can we move past that and speak more freely to our partners and possibly counselors about bettering our sexual experiences?
♦ It would be helpful if you could clarify what you mean by “social stigma”. The two social stigma’s that immediately come to mind are these: a bias against men, believing they should be able to get erections on demand, to be able to maintain as long as desired, and to be able to perfectly control the timing of ejaculation and orgasm.
For women, it’s easy if they aren’t able to respond naturally. They can use lubrication from a bottle, or spit, and they can be good to go. Not so easy for a man unless he has some scaffolding nearby. It is socially acceptable for a woman to be too tired for sex, to not be in the mood, or to want more foreplay time before proceeding. Men are not afforded those luxuries, even though they often need to be able to say these same things.
♦ In order to “speak more freely” about sex with our partners, we need to look at ourselves first. Be clear on what your intention is when you bring up the topic. What do you want out of this conversation? Then hold tight to that intention and begin by asking your partner for time to talk. i.e. “I have something I’d like to talk about when you have some time.” Then begin by saying something like, “Talking about sex is not always the easiest thing to do, but that’s what I want to talk to you about today.
I want to be clear about what I’m hoping to get out of this conversation”….(then state the intention). If your partner gets their feelings hurt, as is often the case when we discuss sex, take their feelings seriously by saying something like, “I’m not telling you this to hurt your feelings; I’m just trying to improve our sex life with this suggestion…” If your partner is resistant to what you’re discussing, then try to rephrase things, or offer alternatives…be respectful. “I understand if this is something you don’t want to try. Perhaps we could come up with something else. Do you have some ideas?” What’s important is you don’t give up. Keep talking. If the conversation becomes heated or begins to escalate, it’s ok to let it go…but do try to come back to it again later. You want this to be a positive, helpful conversation. Don’t give up.
♦ In speaking with counselors more freely about sex, it’s up to the counselor to help their client feel comfortable. If you feel you can’t speak freely to your counselor, get a new one, hopefully one who is certified through an organization like AASECT.
2. With ever-mounting responsibilities (work, children, aging parents, etc) being natural mood-killers, how can couples move past these obstacles and let loose enough to enjoy a healthy sex life?
This is a typical question that comes into my office daily. It IS hard to find time to make sex a priority. The first goal needs to be an individual one, not a couple one. Inspiration to work on making sex a priority in your life must come from inside you—not from our partner, society, or some perceived expectation of what our sexuality is supposed to look like. Once the individual commitment is anchored, the couple must make a commitment to each other to make things better. That’s all that needs to happen—you don’t need to make things perfect, or always spontaneous, or consistently satisfying—you just need to make a commitment to try.
You want to make the sex in your life “good enough” you want to get back to it regularly. And it’s the responsibility of each person to define and create what “good enough” means. You’re looking at “bridges to desire”. How do we bridge from life responsibilities that drain our energy and libidos, to wanting to TRY to have sex? Oftentimes it’s honoring the person who is simply horny and wants the sexual release, sometimes it’s honoring the person who needs the emotional and intimate connection first so they are willing to try to become aroused. Once aroused, then desire shows up.
Practical things you can do to help: schedule time for sex when you both aren’t too tired, read erotic novels, lay in bed and look at each other—and just talk about the day prior to beginning sex, laugh, spend some time doing something new outside the bedroom—(new activities can be fun and energize us, or complete disasters that still make us laugh), buy self-help books with tips and actually try something different, get a babysitter and go to a hotel. Surprise your partner somehow. You can figure something out…
3. What is one thing most couples are missing from their sex life? What are some sure-fire ways to ensure the sexual relationship is enhanced?
♦ The one thing most couples are missing from their sex life is their individual identity. 
We lose a sense of who we are separate from our partners. Oftentimes what our partners think, want, believe, becomes more important than what we think, want and believe.
♦ The most important thing you can do for your libido is to take good care of the person you are outside all the roles you play in life. So, if you aren’t thinking about being a wife, husband, mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, career person, etc…..WHO ARE YOU? Take care of the essence of who you are outside the roles you play in life and find a balance of personal time, relationship time and work time.
When you feel overwhelmed by life, look at this trio of personal time, relationship time and work time and ask, “Where am I out of balance?” Then do ONE thing in an area that is out of balance. You won’t believe how simple that is and yet what a big impact it can have on your life in general—which will affect your sex life too.
4. What are some non-threatening or “scary” ways couples can communicate their sexual expectations and desires with each other?
There is nothing that isn’t scary or non-threatening about talking with our partners about sexual expectations and desires. In most cases feelings get hurt, people become threatened and scared, or angry…It’s about our willingness to allow ourselves to feel anxious, get grounded in good intentions, then forge ahead.
About Marne Wine: www.btid.com
Marne is a licensed professional counselor, specializing in family and couple counseling. Although Marne works with a variety of individual and couple’s issues, her primary emphasis is on sexual health. She has been trained in multiple models of sexual intimacy enhancement and enjoys working with both men and women. Pronounced “Marnie”, Ms. Wine received her master’s degree in counseling/psychology from the University of Colorado at Denver. She was the in-house marriage and family therapist for Lockheed-Martin’s Employee Assistance Program from 1994 -1998. In that capacity, Marne was responsible for assessment, referrals, counseling and case-management for clients experiencing stress, depression, anxiety, developmental transitions, grief, workplace issues, eldercare, crisis trauma, positive drug tests, threats to violence in the workplace and coping with change for transferred and downsized employees.
Marne uses cognitive behavioral and differentiation approaches to therapy. Most clients are expected to learn “anxiety modulation” within the context of their current relationships. In this way, clients learn when and how to stand up for themselves. They also learn ways to respond to the conflicts and stressors in their lives, rather than react in a non-controlled manner.
Read more of our expert interviews:
Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating
Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor
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