By Dan Seitz
It may not be the most interesting thing about the mansion Osama Bin Laden was living in when he discovered the hard way that yes, eventually, the country with the most advanced military in the world will catch up with you if you make it angry, but some people were undeniably curious: what was in his medicine cabinet?
Not very much interesting; mostly it was herbal remedies and children’s medicines, which proved that in addition to being violent and picking fights he couldn’t win, Bin Laden wasn’t that savvy with the Internet research. But among the items of interest was “Avena syrup”…also known as a type of herbal Viagra.
Now, far be it from us to claim as fact that he had trouble getting it up in bed. That would be a shameless breach of journalistic integrity. But we’re sure going to allege the heck out of it! What’s he going to do, sue?
So, why would Bin Laden have a member unable to rise to the occasion, aside from it being a manifestation of his cowardice? He suffered from kidney disease, which doesn’t do much for your erectile function. He was into his sixties and had other chronic health problems. That all pretty much adds up to constant post-terrorism droop. Also, the fact that they beat him with the ugly stick until it broke probably didn’t do much for his self-confidence. 
And up to three of his wives were on the compound, so he had a lot to do and, likely, very little to do it with. Not that they’d leave him, because they’d be shot, but for a guy who never let them leave the house, there had to be something in it for them beyond the sensation of a rope being pushed uphill.
Of course, the spiritual leader of Al Qaeda can’t admit he had such a Western problem as not being able to get it up for anything other than images that would make even the worst parts of the Internet vomit in disgust, and he couldn’t get actual Western medicine which, you know, works, so he was stuck with the “herbal” remedies. And, unsurprisingly, he managed to screw that up.
Avena syrup is…ready for it…oat syrup. Yes, the “avena” in question is avena sativa, better known as the common oat. Bin Laden probably chose it because it’s also used to calm the stomach, so if he had some of the other terrorists over for sausage pizza and beer, they wouldn’t find Viagra in his medicine cabinet and make him look lame in front of the guys. Not that Viagra would work anyway because of his busted kidneys, but it was probably a sense of shame as much as anything that drove him to the oats.
Unfortunately, if Bin Dumbass had bothered to check up on Avena syrup, he’d probably have learned that it’s popular among herbal Viagra sellers because, while there’s absolutely no scientific evidence it does, well, anything at all to people, it does have the virtue of being absolutely harmless. Thus, users won’t overdose and then sue them, letting them collect the twenty bucks they charge for this stuff in peace. You can chug a gallon of the stuff and it won’t hurt you, although you’ll probably have some pretty uncomfortable moments about twelve hours later: Avena syrup is high in fiber.
In short, Osama Bin Laden took oatmeal for his flopping problems, it didn’t work, and then he got shot. In light of this tragic story, there’s really only one reaction:
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