Highlights
- People who feel sad after sex experience postcoital dysphoria.
- Post-sex blues is common for both women and men.
- Causes of this phenomenon are not well understood.
- Post-sex sadness may be linked to past trauma or current sexual dysfunction.
- Aftercare can help partners deal with difficult emotions after sex.
Have you ever felt sad after sex, tearful even? It’s more common than you think, and it’s called postcoital dysphoria. It can be confusing for both partners, but good communication and empathy will help you deal with it.
What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?
Postcoital dysphoria (PCD) is sometimes called “post-sex blues.” People who have it can’t explain why it’s happening. They wanted to make love and the experience was generally positive. We’re not talking about cases of abuse or violence here. PCD can affect anyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
There are varying symptoms, such as:
- Feeling sad
- Crying
- Anxiety
- Mood swings
- Irritability or anger
Some people experience postcoital symptoms only after climax, which is known as post-orgasmic dysphoria. Others will even get into that state after masturbation.
We don’t know much about PCD yet, as researchers are only beginning to study it in depth.
The phenomenon is sometimes referred to as “post-coital depression,” but that name is not really accurate. Depression is diagnosed if someone has been showing symptoms for quite some time. After-sex sadness usually lasts only a few hours.
How Common Is Sexual Dysphoria?
In a study of postcoital dysphoria in over 200 females, 46 percent said they had experienced postcoital dysphoria at some point in their lives. 5.1 percent reported having a repeated experience like this within a few preceding weeks.
A report on the prevalence of postcoital dysphoria published in “The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy” revealed that 41 percent of men recalled having post-sex emotional distress at least once. Three to four percent claimed to go through PCD regularly.
Why Do People Feel Sad After Sex?
Currently, we don’t have definitive answers about what’s causing post-sex emotional upset. Here’s what might be behind all this:
- Stress or distress. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or dealing with something difficult, your hormonal and nervous systems may react in odd ways. In that case, an intense activity such as sex may be too much, and you’ll get a sad or angry reaction.
- History of sexual trauma. If you’ve experienced abuse or violence in the past, you carry it with you. Even if you’ve had a chance to process it, your psyche may go into overdrive in connection with sexual activity.
- Sexual dysfunctions. Making love is not always easy. Problems like low libido, sexual pain, premature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction may be linked to sadness or anxiety after intimacy.
- Attachment styles. According to one study of female sexual functioning, women with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may be at a greater risk of sexual dysfunctions. Sexual acts are the essence of human connection and for some people, this level of closeness and openness may lead to inadvertent reactions, such as tears.
- Shame or guilt. Sexual pleasure is still a taboo topic in many communities. Some people may feel like they are doing something wrong. Others will be anxious about their appearance or performance in bed.
How To Deal With Post-sex Sadness
If you’ve never experienced or witnessed postcoital dysphoria, you have every right to be confused. Nobody teaches you how to deal with that in school! Even sex and relationship books rarely mention it.
Here’s what to remember, depending on which side of the bed you’re on:
If You Have Postcoital Dysphoria
You’ve just had sex and suddenly you’re overcome with intense feelings? As tempting as it might seem, don’t try to hide it. It will likely cause more distress — you’ll either burst out crying or act irritated and cause a fight with your lover.
Be gentle with yourself and let in whatever wants to come. If tears are a part of it, so be it. If you want to shut down and be left alone, that’s okay, too. If possible, inform your partner that you’re going through something unexpected and you’ll explain later.
Communication is crucial in relationships. In situations like these, it’s a life saver. The first time can be awkward, so allow yourself to process and make sense of it. When you’re ready, have an honest conversation with your partner, so you both know what to do should it happen again.
If you suspect that your PCD is linked to mental health or past trauma, seek professional help. This strange reaction may turn out to be a blessing in disguise — it may show you that you need support to regain emotional balance.
If Your Partner Has Postcoital Dysphoria
If the person you made love to begins to cry or behave unusually, try not to panic. You’re the one who is stable at the moment, so try to support your partner as much as you can.
Don’t assume you know what they need — ask first. For example, if someone is teary-eyed, many people automatically want to give them a comforting hug. But someone who’s experiencing PCD may be triggered by such an attempt.
Seeing your lover upset after intimacy can cause mixed feelings. You may feel guilty, like it’s all your fault. You may worry that you hurt them somehow. Make a mental note of those thoughts and talk about them when the time is right. If your partner is able to have a conversation, you can share your own emotions, but don’t expect to have a full discussion at this stage.
Aftercare is a practice common in the BDSM community (people who enjoy things like bondage or spanking). It’s also a great solution for couples dealing with postcoital dysphoria. This ritual calms the nervous system and brings back a sense of security.
There is no prescribed way to do aftercare. You can bring your lover something to drink or eat. You can cuddle or give them a massage. Laughing together can work wonders, too. And sometimes all your partner will need is to take a nap in your arms.
Getting Sexual Health Treatments From eDrugstore
Feeling sad after sex may be linked to bedroom challenges, including erectile dysfunction in men. Finding the right treatment will help you improve intimacy and find ways to cope with postcoital dysphoria.
eDrugstore.com offers quick and easy access to ED medication. If you don’t have a prescription, you can use our complimentary online consultation with a U.S.-licensed physician. Go to our erectile dysfunction page and find the right medication for you.
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.