by John Plankton
When people think of superheroes, they usually think of Superman, Spider-Man,
Wonder Woman, Batman, the Hulk: figures with amazing powers and abilities beyond those of mortal men. Cool stuff like super strength, X-ray and heat vision, the ability to fly.
But how do superheroes get their superpowers? Usually it’s a freak occurrence like a radioactive spider bite, or exposure to gamma rays. But can’t those things be replicated? To find out, we recently conducted an experiment to see if we too, could become a (very) minor superhero, by ordering the same drugs from online pharmacies.
Experiment #1: Super-Stretchiness!
We started with the rubberiest superheroes: those with elastic limbs and extremities like Elongated Man and Stretch.
Although they sound like the spokesmen for Viagra, their main power appears to be the ability to get a beer from the fridge without getting up from the couch. Their powers are fueled by something called Gingold, made from “gingo,” a fictional fruit of the Yucatan.
Not to be confused with Ginkgo, a real-life plant sold to hippies.
We decided to see if an online pharmacy had Gingold in stock. A lovely island woman answered:
ONLINE PHARMACY: Thank you for calling ___, may I help you?
JP: Hello, I was wondering if I could order some Gingold. It’s for, ah, stretching out.
OP: I’m sorry. Could you spell that, please?
JP: It’s Gingold, like Hermione Gingold. The actress.
Hermione Gingold. When she was hot.
OP: We don’t have that sir, but we may have it in a generic. What is it for?
JP: Well, it allows regular people to stretch their arms and legs and neck really far. Like, really far.
OP: Stretch?
JP: Sure, like if you wanted to walk over a big river or maybe wrap your arms all the way around Oprah.
OP: Sir, I don’t have time for…
JP: It might work with other appendages, too. Maybe you could lasso cattle with your Johnson.
OP: Have a good day, sir. [Click]
Continue to Part 2: Super Speed
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