Experiment #2: Super Speed!
The ability to move really fast seemed like the next cool superpower we should try, until we found out that Flash and Kid Flash got their speed by bathing in dangerous chemicals. After a really bad experience with Axe body wash, we decided to bypass that one.
Instead, we found a superhero called The Whizzer (perhaps the Incredible Incontinent Man’s friend) who got his super speed by — we’re not making this up — having his doctor/father save him from an African cobra bite by giving him a transfusion of mongoose blood!
Fortunately, there’s another way to get super-speed, according to comic books: a drug called Velocity 9, which was invented by a super criminal named Vandal Savage. The good news is that it makes you really fast, but the bad news is the side effects: A highly addictive drug that grants temporary super speed, but speeds up the body’s metabolism, leading to dehydration, severe exhaustion, psychosis and what looks like rapid aging. So basically, it’s like almost every other pharmaceutical drug sold today.
This time, we called a Canadian pharmacy to order Velocity 9. And of course, we got a gentleman from India to assist us.
JP: Hello, I’m thinking of running a marathon, and I’m not really a big fan of training, so I’m looking for a little “edge.” Do you carry Velocity 9? It’s made by Vandal Savage, I think.
CP: Could you spell that for me, sir?
JP: Sure. V as in vasectomy; E like egalitarian; L as in lower lumbar; O as in Oprah; C as in cock-a-doodle-doo, I as in Ichabod; T as in tummy tickle and Y as in YAHOO!
CP: [He takes a very long time to look it up, so I begin to whistle the theme from “Mighty Mouse,” badly. He comes back soon after.] No sir, we don’t have any of that medication.
JP: Well I see that you also do herbal remedies, and I read about something that the Kenyans have been using to help them. Do you have any mongoose blood?
CP: [Pause]
JP: Preferably the injectable kind.
CP: Good day, Sir. [Click]
Continue to Part 3: Super Energy
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