Relationship Expert Colette Malan provides her professional advice in a special 5 part series exploring Love and Relationships
Part 1 of 5
Most couples seek out marriage counseling to get help to resolve their differences. Whether it is differences in sexual desire, differences in parenting styles, spending habits, or differences in their basic approach to life, couples come to marriage counselors to get help to manage and negotiate their differences.
Having differences is something that couples can’t avoid. No two people on this earth are going to agree on everything. The fact that we are all individuals with different backgrounds, different biological chemistries, and different life experiences sets us up to be at odds with each other. Many couples that were easily attracted because of their mutual feelings become concerned when they run up against their differences. Some idealistically believe that compatibility means that they should always feel the same. This, of course, isn’t true.
The truth is that partners are attracted to each other because of (1) the things they have in common, but also because of (2) their differences. Whether in love, or any other area of life, opposites attract. It’s good to partner up with someone that brings qualities to the relationship that we don’t have because it makes for a broader, more complete couple unit. But while initially we were attracted because we were different, later those admired differences may grate on us.
There is no way of avoiding differences, but the way couples manage their differences will determine the quality of their relationship. To paraphrase marriage researcher, John Gottman: Every couple, even those with the best marriages, has at least one irresolvable problem. The challenge for all of us in relationships is to figure out how to maintain an atmosphere of love while tolerating and supporting each other’s differences.
Couples that are skilled in keeping their love intact while managing their differences focus more on their love than their differences. As they interact with each other they emphasize the love they feel. In their conversations the emphasis on love looks like this:
“I don’t see it the same way you do, but I LOVE YOU!
If this is important to you, it’s important to me,
because YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!” (Gottman 1997)
While it is important that couples accept their differences, that doesn’t mean they should ignore them. Every couple needs to be equipped with skills to address and resolve their differences. Specifically they need to be adept in (1) communication, (2) attentive listening, and (3) win/win problem solving.
It is essential that couples have these skills if they are going to be successful in maintaining their love for each other. These are skills we should have all learned from our parents. For those of us that didn’t learn them from our parents, we should have learned them in our schools. But the reality is that most of us didn’t learn these skills in our families or in our schools. (Somehow I think learning communication would have equipped me more for life than learning how to diagram sentences.)
Many floundering couples damage their relationships because of their lack of skills.
Most couples seek out marriage counseling long after the outset of their problems. Often couples struggling with chronic unresolved issues present with sexual intimacy complaints as well, a symptom reflecting the toll of inadequate negotiating tools.
About: Colette Malan is an individual, marital, and family psychotherapist and an
AASECT certified sex therapist. She and her husband, Dr. Mark Kim Malan are the founders and co-directors of Malan Relationship Health Clinic in Ogden, Utah. They have been married for 31 years and have five children and seven grandchildren. Through individual and relationship counseling, groups, communication training, and couple retreats, they teach couples the skills and secrets for staying in love. For more information visit www.relationshiphealth.org.
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