How important is pre-marital counseling or coaching? What benefits will a couple see from this?
With the high divorce rate, many young couples considering marriage have fears and anxieties about their ability to create a happy enduring marriage. Pre-marital counseling can help them start right and stay connected. They can learn healthy communication and conflict resolution, understand the stages of relationship, and how their family backgrounds affects how they relate to their partner. It can also give them a relationship with a counselor they can call on in the future if problems arise they are not able to handle themselves.
What are some red flags that should alert a committed couple to seek counseling together? Can these issues be avoided? If yes, how so?
If they have repetitive unresolved arguments that lead to distance between them, if they have trouble creating enough safety so that both can be open and honest about what they want and need, if they disagree about a major decision they face such as having children, changing careers, moving to another place, or if they have conflict about the major conflict areas of parenting, extended family relationships, money, sex, or time, seeking help would be wise. Many issues can be avoided by taking time on a weekly basis to sit together knee-to-knee to check in and tend to any issues that have arisen in the past week. Just like keeping a house neat and clean, relationships require regular time and attention.
What are some major keys to developing (and maintaining) healthy and 
loving relationships?
Communication, companionship, and conflict resolution. Don’t let things fester, talk them out as soon as possible. Learn to communicate openly and honestly. Spend time together doing projects and having fun. Laugh often. Have a regular date night even if it means getting a babysitter for the kids. Have a regular check-in time to dialogue and head off small problems before they become big ones. Make time for lovemaking and other pleasure bonding activities.
Is there a right way to argue? Are there some behaviors or phrases to avoid while fighting?
Listen with curiosity and openness to your partner, then reflect what you heard to make sure you got it right, then validate and empathize before trying to make your point. Abandon the blame game. Remember, when you point your finger, three are pointing back at you. Avoid name calling and character assassination. If you are about to lose your temper, take a time out to calm yourself, assuring your partner you will return at a stated time, then ask yourself what you could have done differently, and return and do it differently. Learn your partner’s tender spots and avoid hitting them. Be kind. Be willing to take full responsibility for your contribution to the problem, to apologize and make amends. Practice not just the golden rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) but, more importantly, the platinum rule (do unto others as they would have you do unto them).
What are the “steps” couples should take after deciding to work on their relationship?
Ask for a referral to an experienced couples therapist from your primary care physician, your local mental health association, your pastor, or a trusted friend. If your budget is tight and you have health insurance, check to see what your mental health benefit is and if they have a list of providers in your area. Many providers have web sites now where you can learn more about the services they offer. If you like, meet more than one couples therapist to assure their approach works for you and you both feel comfortable. A useful internet site to visit is www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com where you can find a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist in your area.
About: www.AliceCarlton.com Alice Carlton LCSW has 34 years experience helping individuals, couples, and families create the lives and relationships they want. Her interest in the mind-body connection led her to study clinical hypnosis nearly 30 years ago. She considers it a powerful tool to have in her toolbox. A Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, she trained in 1992 with Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., creator of Imago Therapy and author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. She also enjoys helping singles find the love of their life and the life they love through the principles of Conscious Dating. Learn more about the services Alice offers by visiting www.alicecarlton.com.
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