Experiment #3: Super Energy!
For our final experiment, we turned to the Golden Age of TV superheroes: Underdog and Roger Ramjet. We combined them with the Power Puff Girls: kindergartners Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
They may have been two-dimensional characters, but the girls and Underdog had a cornucopia of super powers: flight, super strength, X-ray and heat vision, super senses, near invulnerability, and energy projection.
Roger Ramjet didn’t have all those powers, but a Ramjet Proton Energy Pill invented by Roger Ramjet, “when taken as directed by a physician, gives the strength of twenty atom bombs for twenty seconds.” You probably don’t get that prescription filled at Walgreens.
The source of the Power Puff Girls’ powers was called Chemical X, whereas Shoeshine Boy (Underdog’s alter ego) took a Super Energy Pill to become the canine crime fighter.
We called another online pharmacy, this time answered by a Spanish fellow with English as a distant second language:
JP: Good morning, I was hoping to pick up some medications for my family. Do you have any Chemical X in stock? It’s for my little girl.
ONLINE PHARMACY: I’ll check, sir. What was that again?
JP: Chemical X. You know, Chemical like in Chemicals, and X, like Malcolm X.
OP: I’ll look.
JP: Yeah. It’s great stuff. It helps them with their strength, and their vision, and hearing and heightens all their senses, and they can fly and do homework better, and it helps them run faster and jump higher…
OP: No, sir. We don’t have any of that.
JP: Okay, well how about Ramjet Proton Energy Pills? I’ve got to do some yard work today, and I…
OP: How do you spell that?
JP: “Ram” like a male sheep, and “Jet” like a fast plane. You know the stuff. You take it and it gives the energy of about twenty atom bombs. It’s used to fight crime, or to blow up a country.
OP: No sir, we don’t have that either.
JP: Really? That’s surprising. Your website says you also sell pet drugs, can you transfer me to that department?
OP: I can take your order for pets here, too.
JP: Oh, that’s great. Do you ever get the dog pills mixed up with human pills?
OP: That has never happened, sir.
JP: Okay, well, I’m looking for, uh, “Super Energy Pills.” They’re made by a company called “Underdog.”
OP: Super Energy Pills by Underdog. I’m looking, sir.
JP: Well, they’re supposed to be for dogs, but I’m going to give them to my kid, my boy. The guy down the street says they work really good.
OP: Yes, sir…still looking.
JP: Well my kid, you know…he’s humble and lovable but he’s a little shy, and I want to give him a little kick in the ass.
OP: Mmm-hmm.
JP: You know what he wants to be when he grows up? A freakin’ shoeshine boy. Can you believe that?
OP: Sir, we don’t have anything under the Underdog name, but there are some others. Something with the generic name tepoxalin. It’s a very strong pain killer for dogs.
JP: Can I give that to a kid?
OP: We wouldn’t advise it, sir.
JP: But you’d sell it to me, if I wanted to try it?
OP: It’s up to you, sir.
JP: You know what? I think I’ve had enough for today.
So there you have it. The online pharmacies may not be able to sell you super powers yet, but some of them will sell you dog tranquilizers for your toddler.
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