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1. Do you believe there is a social stigma still present regarding sex? If yes, how can we move past that and speak more freely to our partners and possibly counselors about bettering our sexual experiences?
There are taboos about sex and talking about sex in many areas, but they are loosening in many segments of society. One learns to speak more freely to partners, friends, counselors, whomever, simply by doing it and then doing it again. Like any skill to be learned — whether playing tennis or speaking about sexual matters without shame or embarrassment — one gets better at it by doing it repeatedly. There is no other way nor any shortcuts to comfortable expression.
2. With ever-mounting responsibilities (work, children, aging parents, etc.) being natural mood-killers, how can couples move past these obstacles and let loose enough to enjoy a healthy sex life?
Two people have to decide to give their intimacy (not just sex) a place in their busy lives when it no longer makes its own place through the urgency of new love or desire. A weekly, if not daily, brief period of time to check in with one another about their day, their moods, their wants and needs beyond the daily details of life, keeps the intimacy alive. With that ongoing atmosphere of closeness and feeling heard and cared for, sex usually thrives. They also need to carve out private time where sex can happen — a monthly getaway, a Saturday morning in bed while the child is on a playdate, a weekly date night with child care elsewhere, whatever it takes.
3. What is one thing most couples are missing from their sex life? How do they get it?
What many couples lack is the ability to communicate desires clearly, without demanding, and hearing the other’s requests without judgment. It’s perfectly okay to say something like “I would like more than a quickie” or to respond “I want a quickie tonight. I’m tired. I promise you more attention Friday evening, okay?”
4. What if a couple is not compatible sexually? Is there any hope for them?
How should they proceed? If they can not clearly and tenderly discuss the conflicts in wants around sex, they have no tools for fixing what’s not working. They either have to learn to talk to one another about these delicate topics or to a sex therapist who can teach them to communicate better and ways to negotiate their differences. Really, where there is goodwill, there is usually a way to solve compatibility issues.
5. Your book, Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex, has tips from the trenches about having great sex. In your opinion, what are three of the top ideas featured in the book?
“Never underestimate the sexiness of danger. Being nice doesn’t mean being boring — it should mean being unpredictable too. Relationships need mystery to thrive.”
“There’s a difference between keeping secrets and maintaining privacy — two concepts that may have similar results but very different motivations. I think in any relationship there is a need for a certain level of privacy between the partners.”
“I want him to do nice things for me because ‘he loves me,’ not because he expects sex as a reward. . . . When a women feels loved, she loves back in return. My mother calls this ‘day long lovemaking’.”
About Isadora:
I am a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed psychotherapist and counselor. I am a former radio talk show host and frequent radio and TV guest, as well as a lecturer and workshop leader on a variety of communications topics. “Ask Isadora,” my syndicated advice column on sex and relationships, has appeared in newsweeklies nationwide for more than 25 years. Also, check out my website, which is also called “Ask Isadora.”
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