The title of your blog is “How to Love a Nice Guy.” How did you decide on this title and what kinds of experiences do you have with those ever-so-famous “nice guy” types?
The title comes from personal experience. In the past, I had always been attracted to the “bad boy” type. Needless to say, those relationships usually ended, and sometimes quite spectacularly. Prior to working on myself, I had thought that “nice guys” were boring and unexciting. What I came to realize was that I was attracted to these bad boys because they were unavailable in some way, and that worked for me because deep down I was unavailable.
Nice guys are usually more available and open to a deeper relationship. They know who they are and what they want and they often require women to step up and be their best. Until I was ready to do that and be open and available I wasn’t ready for that kind of partnership. In my blog, I wanted to tell the story of how I went from loving “bad boys” to being able to attract and love a “nice guy.” Then I began adding in tips and humor around everyday relationship issues.
One of your blog posts focused on the dying art of having sex. In your opinion,
why are couples becoming more and more sexually detached?
I don’t know that I have all the answers to this question, but I think it has to do with the way we live in our society today. This is the age of over stimulation in so many areas, that I think we have become numb to our natural instincts. From the minute we get up there is the constant work just to maintain our lives. We have careers, commutes, children, homes, hobbies, and more. The days are so packed, that by the time we do get home we are so overwhelmed that we often relax with television or computers. We become disconnected from our own needs and then from our partner as well. When the time comes to go to bed we’re exhausted and it is simply easier to say goodnight and turn off the light, than to make the necessary connection that can lead to sex.
Once a couple does become sexually detached, but realizes they’d like to correct the problem and reignite that spark, how do they go about doing so? It’s unrealistic to think they’ll jump right back in where they left off, so how do they get reacquainted?
I suggest that you get reconnected so that there is opportunity for intimacy. Here are some suggestions:
First find a time to sit and talk without interruptions and discuss how to spend more time together.
If this is difficult to do face to face, each of you can make a list of ideas for spending time together and give it to the other person.
Then commit to having a once a week “date night” where you take turns doing something from each others lists. For instance, one week you could pick going out to a romantic dinner and the next pick a sporting event or go for a walk.
It doesn’t matter so much what you do, as the commitment to spending time together on a regular basis.
Leave the cell phones, computers, and telephones turned off!
Once you make the effort to reconnect on an emotional level, the physical connection should follow. If it doesn’t, sit down and talk about what you would like to see happen sexually.
Then start having a “sex date night.” You can make lists of what you would like to do in bed as well! I love spontaneity as much as the next girl, but if I know that a sex date is coming up and I am going to get something off of my wish list, just thinking about it is a huge turn on.
What are your top tips for nurturing a long-term relationship?
If you want a loving, caring, exciting, adventurous, funny, educated, self supporting person, then take the time to become one yourself. That’s how you will attract that kind of person.
Pick someone that has the qualities you are looking for in a partner and don’t settle for something that isn’t right. Know what your deal breakers are, and be willing to walk away if those events happen.
Make the relationship a priority. Realize that there will be ups and downs and commit to working through whatever comes.
Respect your partner. Don’t resort to put-downs, manipulations, or dishonesty. Show them who you are, and love them for who they are.
Spend time together. Sit down together and talk about your day, even if it doesn’t always seem that interesting.
Ask for what you want. You may not always get it, but the chances are a whole lot better.
Make intimacy and sex a priority. People always talk about the excitement of sex early on in a relationship. I find that the longer you are together the more you learn about each other and consequently the sex just keeps getting better.
Realize that you will both change and grow throughout the relationship, and that’s okay.
Know that you will be okay with or without a relationship, and always know how to take care of yourself if the worst happens.
And of cours
e we have to ask: Do nice guys really finish last?
Not at all. Nice guys rock! It took me a while to accept that my nice guy husband was the one. I still had that bad boy picture and he didn’t fit it at all. What he did do was keep coming back. He was dependable, trustworthy, funny, and he wanted to be with me. After about a year of dating, I gave up and fell in love with him. Once I got over my fear of real commitment, there was no doubt left. We’ve been together eight years and just had our 5th wedding anniversary. Life is good!
About: Marquita Thompson, Master Coach and Relationship Expert, has spent much of her life doing experimentation in the field of relationships. Much of this research was conducted personally by Marquita as she went from one difficult partnership to the next. Ten years ago, she made the life changing decision to stay out of romantic involvement until she learned how to heal her own life. What she found were specific steps for loving herself, finding what she wanted, and attracting the right relationship for her. She has been married for five years and in a romance for eight, with her funny and decidedly nice guy husband, Tom. Marquita mixes her learning with the tools she learned from Martha Beck to help others achieve their love and life goals. You can check her out at www.stellarcoachingsolutions.com. Marquita’s blog www.howtoloveaniceguy.blogspot.com was named one of the top ten relationship blogs in 2009.
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