Interview with Individual and Couples Counselor, Julie Jeske – Top Reasons Couples Lose that Sex and Romance Spark. This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the eDrugstore.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews
How can couples that are under the strains of parenting, caring for aging parents, working long hours, and a host of other obligations, take time for each other? A “date night” seems so clichéd and impossible for a vast majority of couples. Are there other ways?
In the beginning of a relationship we can get caught up in emotions and hormones and romance. It’s easy to make a new relationship a priority. As things settle down and “real life” happens often our relationship moves down to the bottom of our To Do List. For some people it’s necessary to schedule time together (otherwise it might not happen).
If a date night feels like it’s too much time, then schedule 30 minutes a couple times a week. If you can’t commit to that, take 10 minutes together at the end of each day. Make sure the time you schedule is just for your relationship. Use that time to connect, talk or make physical contact. Once you schedule your “together time” don’t let other things push it off of the calendar. The only way you can make your relationship a priority, is to treat it as a priority.
What are some of the foremost reasons couples lose that “spark”? Can they ever get it back? Where and how do they start?
It’s natural for desire and “sparks” to ebb and flow in a relationship. Hormones, relationship conflict, changes in body image, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, medication and stress can also affect desire! A spark can be diminished by sex that gets into a routine or a rut. When there is marital discord, a spark can be completely blown out. If you want to start heating things up again, take an inventory of your relationship and make sure you both feel good outside of the bedroom. You can also look at your personal desire. When your libido is lacking or you feel unhappy, that can affect your relationship. If you feel excited, good about your body and happy in your relationship that spark can start to glow.
For those couples that have fallen into the slump of a mechanical or even non-existent sex life, how can they re-ignite the flame without putting a lot of pressure on the situation (which could possibly result in awkward circumstances, inability to perform, etc)? How can couples get reacquainted in the bedroom?
Some couples need to get reacquainted out of the bedroom before they can do it in the bedroom. Communication and affection can help partners feel connected. Focusing on sensuality can help ease partners back into sexual connection. A massage or non-sexual touch can help reintroduce you to your partner. You can then turn up the heat by spending time together in a more intimate way. Take things to the next level by adding sexual touch to the massage, taking a bath together or spending some time together in the buff. For example: sleep in the nude, spend some time naked while talking or try something bold like a naked picnic in your living room. Think outside the box. Do something that makes you feel vulnerable or even playful or silly.
When it comes to getting out of a sexual rut, small changes go a long way. If your sexual escapades have become routine, change up the order of your love making. Try turning the lights on (or off) or have sex in a different room of the house. You don’t have to give your sexual life a full makeover to reignite that spark.
When a couple is ready to experiment and take their sexual relationship to the next level, what are some ways they can do so?
On thing couples can do is talk about fantasies. Talk about what you find sexy or what turns you on. Talk about ways you would like to be seduced. You can even create a “seduction box” and fill it with scenarios you each find appealing and take turns pulling sexy situations out of the box and initiating them. If that feels like a big step, start by reading or watching something together. Find some erotica or some videos that you both enjoy. As you see other people express their desires it might help you get up the nerve to share your own. A trip to an adult toy store or website can also be a fun experience. Find a toy, a lotion or a sexy accessory to shake things up a bit.
Really, how important is communication to a couple’s sex life? Please explain.
Essential! Taking about sex is a form of intimacy. It’s important to be able to talk about what you want so you can make it happen. It’s also important to be able to talk about what’s not working so you can find something that does! Sometimes people think of talking as being tedious or a “turn-off,” however, being silent and not getting what you want is NOT sexy!
What are three “Stay Hot” tips you’d give to NEW couples to help them avoid a lackluster sex life?
I couldn’t narrow it down to just three. Here are four tips for new couples –
Get in the habit of talking about sex: If you start talking about sex now it will be a lot easier in the future. This includes asking for what you want. Often people are afraid to ask for what they want because of fear of rejection or fear of looking selfish (or weird). The best way to guarantee you are going to enjoy sex with a partner is by asking for what you want. Your partner can’t read your mind or guess what feels best. If you want to ensure you receive the most pleasure possible, you need to ask for it!
Try something new: The easiest way to add excitement to your life is by trying something new. If you have sex in the missionary position at 8pm every Friday night for 20 years it will be a lot harder to introduce something new. Start now!
Don’t compare yourself to others: There isn’t a “right way” to have sex. The more you compare yourself to others (especially media with airbrushed bodies and easily orgasmic, acrobatic sex) the more disappointed you may become. Who cares if statistics show that couples have sex 1 time a month or 4 times a week? How often do YOU want to have sex? Do what feels best to you!
Know your body: Don’t depend on someone else to be in charge of your sexual pleasure. Take the time to learn what you like and what feels good and then share that with your partner. Knowledge is power (and sexy)!
About: JulieJeske.com
Julie is a sex and relationship counselor in Portland, Oregon. She has a private practice where she works with individuals and couples primarily around the areas of intimacy, relationships and sexuality. She received her master’s degree in Couples, Marriage and Family Counseling from Portland State University. She is a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselor and Therapists. In addition to her private practice, Julie is the relationship expert for “Studio6” on KOIN6. You can see her on Studio6 talking about a different sex or relationship topic, twice a month.
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Betty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator
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Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor
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