There’s nothing more important than customer service: that should be the motto of any business, but especially one that caters to people’s health. We decided to test out the customer service departments of a few different online pharmacies, to see what they had to say to somebody who needed to be dead. Just for a little while.
Pharmacy #1:
Pharmacy CSR: Hello, welcome to [pharmacy], this is [redacted], how may I help you?
Customer: Hi, I’ve got kind of an unusual question.
Pharmacy CSR: We’ll do the best to help you, sir. What’s your question?
Customer: Well, do you watch “The Cape”?
Pharmacy CSR: I’m afraid not, sir. Did you see an advertisement for a particular drug on that show?
Customer: No, no, they had this drug on the show, like, based off of animals, and I know they make drugs out of animals.
Pharmacy CSR: Some sort of holistic medication, sir? I’m afraid we don’t sell those.
Customer: No, it had some sort of medical name. Tet…something.
Pharmacy CSR: Let me just look in our database. (typing) I’m seeing tetrocaine, a topical anesthetic, but I’m afraid we can only sell that to doctors. Were you looking for a tetanus vaccine?
Customer: Maybe if I described what the stuff did. What it was, was, you blew it somebody’s face and they inhaled it, and it looked like they died. And they stayed that way for about four to six hours.
Pharmacy CSR: …Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
(Hold music plays.)
Pharmacy supervisor: Hello, this is [redacted].
Customer: Hi, yeah. I was just telling your call person…tetrodotoxin! From pufferfish!
Pharmacy supervisor: I’m sorry, sir?
Customer: Tetrodotoxin! That’s what I was looking for.
Pharmacy supervisor: Sir, we don’t carry any poisonous agents.
Customer: Oh, it’s a poison? Are you sure?
Pharmacy supervisor: Yes, sir, we don’t sell anything with the word “toxin” in it. “Toxin” means poison. Sir, can I ask what you want with this?
Customer: Oh, I need to be dead for a few hours for insurance purposes. Hey, would you happen to sell sedatives? Like, really strong ones?
Pharmacy supervisor: No, we only sell prescription sedatives.
Customer: Oh, a prescription is no problem, I just slip my doctor fifty extra bucks and he’ll write me a prescription for anything. It’s totally awesome, this one time, he prescribed me some Rohypnol, and I just took those for like a week and-
Pharmacy supervisor: Sir, please don’t contact us again. (click)
Pharmacy #2:
Pharmacy CSR: Hello, you’ve reached [redacted] at [pharmacy], how can I assist you today?
Customer: Hi! I’m looking for some tetrodotoxin?
Pharmacy CSR: I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with that medication. I’ll just look it up in our database. (typing) Did you mean Daptacel or Decavac?
Customer: Will those make you seem like you’re dead?
Pharmacy CSR: Excuse me?
Customer: I’ve just got these guys that keep bugging me about the money they loaned me, and I think they’d go away if they thought I was dead.
Pharmacy CSR: I don’t think we sell anything like that.
Customer: Aw, really?
Pharmacy CSR: If you’re being threatened by people, sir, you really should call the police.
Customer: But whenever the police come over, they take my drugs away.
Pharmacy CSR: I don’t think the police can take your medication away, sir.
Customer: Well, that’s what I tell them. I tell them “I need it to stimulate my appetite”, and “it’s legal in California”, but they never listen.
Pharmacy CSR: Um, what drugs have you been prescribed?
Customer: Oh, it’s a self-prescription. I noticed I was getting less hungry, so I looked it up on WebMD and I have an eating disorder according to them. And I looked up “appetite stimulant” online and…
Pharmacy CSR: Sir, in order to buy medication from us, you need to have a prescription. From a doctor.
Customer: Well, my friend has a Ph.D. in-
Pharmacy CSR: A medical doctor.
Customer: Oh. You can’t give me any drugs otherwise?
Pharmacy CSR: No, sir, it’s illegal.
Customer: Can we maybe work something out on the side?
Pharmacy CSR: No, sir, that’s also illegal. Sir, I’m afraid I need to get off the line. Have a nice day.
Customer: You too.
The moral of the story: online pharmacies have a remarkably high tolerance for extremely silly people. Good for them!
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