Summary: By their very nature, fictitious villains aren’t the most stable individuals. Some of the traits that make them mean and nasty also make them perfect candidates for a medication or two, if not a whole cabinet full. In the following article, popular villains are paired with a medication that might help them in the long run.
By: Liberty Kontranowski
July 20, 2010
At some point in life, there are very few of us who are immune to needing some sort of medication for one ailment or another. And, you know, it’s not just us mere mortals who encounter a need for medical intervention. No, even the baddest of the bad sometimes benefit from a trip to the ‘ol pharmacy, too. Take the following 11 well-known villains, for example. One moment, they’re terrorizing their nemeses; the next, they’re popping pills. Or they should be. Check out our Rx recommendations for some of the naughtiest bad guys out there, and let us know what you think.
1. Lex Luthor – Being Superman’s archenemy for the last few decades has clearly taken a toll on Mr. Luthor, as evidenced by his chrome dome. Seems the evil scientist ought to take to his lab and create a hair re-growth product instead of chasing after the good guys. Of course, that’d be no fun, so he could just pop some Propecia or maybe a little Rogaine and hope for the best.
2. The Joker – It’s not just kids who suffer from ADHD, you know. Supervillains can (and do), too. Take The Joker, for example. This man is all over the place, and his focus is dreadful (with the exception of his compulsion to take down Batman, of course). Yes, a little Ritalin would do The Joker good, we suspect, although with razor-sharp concentration abilities, he may become more diabolical than ever. Cool.
3. The Werewolf – One day, a poor fellow goes out for a drive and gets in a wreck. A couple of scientists scoop him up and take him back to their lab, where they can’t help but inject this defenseless soul with the serum they’ve been toying with. Bada bing, bada boom, said serum changes the guy into a werewolf (a murderous one, at that), and now he’s stuck with all this unwanted hair. Hard to get a date like that, right? No worries, Wolfie. A little Vaniqa will do the trick. The hair preventing properties will avoid any embarrassment, and watch the chicks flock to you – assuming you drop that whole “murdering” habit, of course.
4. Jabba the Hutt – Even the powerful aren’t immune to packing on a few pounds, and the ever-so-icky, Jabba the Hutt, is a prime example. While other Star Wars crusaders flit around with their fit bodies, Jabba sits on his thrown, oozing slime, laughing cruelly, and torturing whoever gets in his way. Maybe slimming down would improve his mood? He ought to give Xenical a go and see what happens. Maybe he’d even find some legs under all that flab.
5. Cruella De Vil – When she’s not off trying to swipe some adorable doggies from their rightful owners, Cruella can be caught lighting up. Hey, she didn’t get that throaty cackle without a little work, you know. Yet no amount of cackling can make up for the fact that the chick is making her lungs sick with every puff, so a ‘script for Zyban is just what the doctor ordered. That, and replacing her current obsession with one a little less despicable, perhaps.
6. Charles Montgomery Burns (aka Mr. Burns) – Wreaking havoc on Homer Simpson’s life (and those of all his employees at the nuke plant, for that matter) is great fun, sure, but let’s face it, Mr. Burns is a little crabby. Engaged three times, but no lasting relationship to show for it, can make a fellow a little testy – and that’s probably what’s going on with Mr. Burns. All he needs is a little Viagra to keep things hot in the sack and a little mood improvement is in his future for sure. Maybe he’ll even treat Homer to a raise…or at least a round of golf.
7. Skeletor – Sure, he looks like he’s packing muscle under that suit of his, but we’re guessing that’s all for show and that Skeletor’s bod is about as bony as his icky skull-like face. Perhaps he might want to spark a doob, seeing as how using marijuana medicinally has shown to increase the appetites of cancer sufferers and those with other serious medical maladies. He could put on a few pounds and have a swell time in the process. Just a thought. And hey, maybe if he and He-Man spark up together, they can talk through their differences and become besties. What? Crazier things have happened. Or not.
8. Two-Face – Harvey Dent is not your average superhero villain. He’s a bit of a mess, really, when it comes to knowing who he is. A do-gooder District Attorney one minute, a crazed maniacal bad guy the next. What this guy needs is a little Clozapine, used for schizophrenia. We think after a little time on this med, he’ll dig through all his personality probs and be able to move on with his life…and find a good plastic surgeon to clear up that nasty side.
9. Ghostface – Let’s face it, the guy’s a bit of an insomniac. He runs around sporting that spooky Scream mask during all hours of the night making people, well, scream. If you ask us, a little Ambien would do this fella good. Maybe if he got a good night’s rest, he wouldn’t be so grumpy…and hell bent on killing off the fine citizens of Woodsboro.
10. Freddy Krueger – Have you ever wondered what Freddy Krueger looked like before his, um, accident? He was probably a bit of a looker. But now, not so much. We can’t help but wonder why he hasn’t gone to see a good plastic surgeon or even a dermatologist. They have all kinds of treatments for burns and scars these days. His embarrassing raggedy old sweater should be the least of his worries. Perhaps he could start with a little Mederma, which should aid the healing process. Then, you know, maybe he could go from there. We just hope his doctors have a little reinforcement in the event he ever makes his way into an examining room… or their dreams…
11. The Riddler – A smart guy he is, but a teensy bit (okay, a damn lot) Obsessive Compulsive. Quirky, and bent to the core about discovering Batman’s true identity, Prozac is an excellent choice for The Riddler. Maybe if he eases up on The Winged One, he can channel all those smarts and all that energy into something else…like writing Mad Lib books or something constructive like that.
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