Many older Americans continue to enjoy active and fulfilling sex lives well into their golden years. Here’s how.
Young people sometimes find it difficult to think of older folks as sexual beings. In her thoughtful commentary on sexuality among the elderly, British geriatrician Belinda Kessel, M.D., suggests that this could be because to do so would mean “accepting their parents as having sexual interests.” However, despite the doubts of their children and grandchildren, many seniors continue to enjoy active and fulfilling sex lives.
Or as seen in the ubiquitous Farmers Insurance commercials on TV, older folks might well argue that, like the venerable insurer, “we know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two,” particularly when it comes to sex.
Lunch at the Senior Center
In a recent article posted at TheAtlantic.com, senior editor James Hamblin, M.D., recounts an eye-opening visit he paid to the Stein Senior Center in Manhattan’s Gramercy Park neighborhood. Dr. Hamblin, who writes the magazine’s monthly health column, visited the center on a quest to solicit seniors’ views on the sensitive subject of physical intimacy.
The center serves lunch daily to as many as 100 seniors and younger visitors as well. The tab for those 60 or over is a very modest $2, while those 59 or younger pay $5 for their meal.
On the day of Dr. Hamblin’s visit, the center was feeding a crowd of 60 or more, and tilapia was the entree of the day, which Dr. Hamblin admits he didn’t try because, to him, “tilapia is the fish version of pigeon.” Accompanying Dr. Hamblin were a camera crew and a couple of video producers, who in advance of the visit had asked the center’s director to forewarn the seniors that Hamblin et al would be there and interested in talking about sex.
Luncheongoers Unprepared
However, when the center’s director introduced Dr. Hamblin by saying, “This young man has an announcement,” and the good doctor touched on the purpose of his visit — to talk about physical intimacy — the previously gregarious lunch crowd went silent. It seemed the luncheon crowd was in no way prepared for this new direction in their conversation.
Eventually, one of the luncheon goers pressed Dr. Hamblin to be a bit more precise about his topic of interest, asking, “You mean sex?” There followed a somewhat awkward exchange in which the doctor confirmed that he did want to talk about sex “but not in a gawking, infantilizing way. . . .” Noting that most media depictions of old age have little or nothing to say about sex, Dr. Hamblin said that he was hopeful some of those gathered at the center that day might be willing to candidly discuss the role sex plays (or has played) in their lives.
Some Warm to the Topic
As the seniors at the Stein center gradually warmed to Dr. Hamblin and the topic at hand, certain individuals among them agreed to share their innermost thoughts about sex and what it meant to them. Among those who spoke out was 92-year-old Herta Weiss, who claimed to be the oldest person who regularly takes her lunch at the center.
Herta told Dr. Hamblin that her current boyfriend is a bit older than she and that for them sex is no less important now than it was when she was dating in her youth. She also said that she thinks it’s “very important . . . to make the woman what we used to call ‘hot.’ You don’t use that word anymore? I think it’s necessary to be able to do that, kiss her, hug her, and be able to hold her, stuff like that. Her current boyfriend, she confided, makes her ‘hot’ by telling her he’s never seen such a beautiful woman as she.
Knowing What You Want Is Key
Eighteen years younger than Herta, 74-year-old Joanie stressed to Dr. Hamblin the importance of knowing what you want in navigating relationships and physical intimacy. Married three times, Joanie admitted that the first two ended badly but brought her to a realization that she needed to figure herself out before trying to deal with yet another man in her life. “I realized that I had this negativity in me,” she told Dr. Hamblin, which seemed to be drawing the wrong type of men to her. She resolved to change, which led to a very happy third marriage that ended only when her spouse died.
No longer interested in marriage or long-term relationships, Joanie, for now, contents herself with dating. Asked if she saw any downside to physical intimacy at an older age, she pointed to the declining appearance of men’s bodies. However, she acknowledged that negative was counterbalanced by “an ease of connection and an ability to communicate easily and effectively.”
Keep It Interesting
The importance of communication was also stressed by Tonya Nash, who told Dr. Hamblin that she has been in an intimate relationship for 40 years. “Communication is the key all the time — to everything, even intimacy.” Keeping sex interesting over a long period with the same partner is a challenge, she said, but communicating each other’s desires and needs can keep things interesting. Asked if it was important to be inventive, Tonya responded, “Yes, get that pole, dress up like a puppy, who cares?”
Backing up Dr. Hamblin’s anecdotal findings among the seniors at the Stein Senior Center are a number of studies here and abroad that indicate sex is alive and well among older people everywhere. Among the most notable of those studies was one conducted by researchers affiliated with the MacLean Center for Clinical Medical Ethics at the University of Chicago’s Pritzker School of Medicine.
2007 Study on Sex and the Elderly
Published in a 2007 issue of “The New England Journal of Medicine,” the study was one of the first to closely examine the sexual lives of older Americans. For their study population, researchers selected 3,005 older Americans — between the ages of 57 and 85 — to interview about their sex lives. The study group consisted of 1,550 women and 1,455 men.
Based on their survey of study participants, researchers found that 73 percent of those between the ages of 57 and 64 had sex with a partner in the preceding year. That percentage dropped to 53 percent of those who were 65 to 75; and 26 percent of those between 76 and 85. Of those who did report partnered sex, most said the frequency of sex was two to three times a month. Although the number of those with active sex lives declined with advancing age, in many cases it was physical challenges and not an absence of sexual desire that caused the dropoff in sexual activity.
Sex-Related Problems
Of those reporting active sex lives, roughly half said they had at least one sexuality-related problem. The most common problem in men was difficulty in getting and keeping an erection, reported by 37 percent. Among women, the most common sex-related problems, in descending order, were lack of sexual desire (43 percent), vaginal dryness (39 percent), and inability to have an orgasm (34 percent).
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