by: Josh Thiele
- Part I – Prehistory to Ancient India
- Part II – Greco Roman
- Part III – The Middle Ages
- Part IV – The Erectile Revolution
The Human Erection Through Recorded History
Our hero, the Human Erection, has had quite a journey through recorded history. Throughout ancient India and the Greek and Roman empires, it has mostly been celebrated and had a great degree of freedom to indulge in the kind of fun and games that an erection enjoys.
Then came the Middle Ages.
We learned yesterday that Constantine I made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire. Though many argue that his reasons were more political than religious, his reign began a decline in the amount of action our friend the erection would see–despite what we 21st century Westerners see as an increase over the last few decades, we’re still prudes compared to pre-Constantine Romans.
The Middle Ages saw an increasing decline in the appearance of the erection as the church came down hard on the wanton sexuality of the previous centuries. Missionaries spread the un-joy to as many pagan cultures as they could find.
Sex for Married Couples was Restricted to the Missionary Position
Still, the erection is a mighty force of nature. While it could not be stopped, even by the might of the Holy Church, it could be tamed. Sex outside of wedlock was strictly discouraged and punished–even by death–and sex for married couples was restricted to the missionary position. Yes, if a husband and wife were caught engaging in sex a tergo (better known by its canine moniker), the wife could see jail time. The man usually got away with a slap on the wrist–an unfairness that continues in many forms to this day.
The Very Act of Owning an Artificial Erection
Oddly enough, prostitution was allowed, though only in town brothels. The supposed purpose of allowing brothels to function was to keep Mr. Erection from adultery. Obviously, medieval logic has persevered through to the contemporary government. Even when a husband was incapable of satisfying his mate, women were not allowed to search for means of self-pleasure: the very act of owning an artificial erection was–you guessed it–punishable by law. At the same time, it became the fashion of the Middle Age player to enhance the outward appearance of his package by wearing a codpiece. Those Medievals were some nutty, nutty folk.
You Didn’t Want to Suffer from Erectile Dysfunction in the Middle Ages
Yes, the male penis still dictated cultural norms, even to the point of warranting church assistance when it was not able to adequately perform its marital duties. You read right: If a man suffered erectile dysfunction, the church had a team of medieval medical experts who would attempt to set things straight. As I recall, much of medieval medicine was performed by barbers, who favored sharp cutting implements and leeches. Thank goodness for the Islamic physicians of the time, whose pioneering methods of treating erectile dysfunction gained popularity no doubt due to prominent church leaders suffering at the hands of Western “doctors.”
The Middle Ages were a dark time for the erection. Whether hidden behind tightly closed doors or underneath a sawdust-packed falsie, the male member had lost its celebrity. Hope springs eternal, though.
Part IV: The Erectile Revolution ->->
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