Highlights
- People who identify as asexual have little or no interest in sex with another person.
- People who identify as aromantic have little to no interest in engaging in romantic relationships.
- Asexuality and aromanticism are not disorders, they are sexual identities.
- Some people who define as asexual still have sex or masturbate.
We live in a world where being sexual is the norm. You’ll find mentions of sex everywhere — from TV ads to religious publications. There’s always an assumption that sexuality and romantic relationships are important to everyone. But what if they aren’t?
The terms asexuality and aromanticism are not very well known. Still, there are thousands of people who have no (or very little) interest in sex or romantic connections. Let’s explore what it means to be asexual vs. aromantic.
What’s the Difference Between Asexual and Aromantic Identities?
To understand the difference between asexuality and aromanticism, we need to look at the split attraction model. It assumes that sexual and romantic interests can be treated separately.
And it’s not as exotic as we think — take casual sex, for example. People have been engaging in erotic contacts without a romantic connection for ages. The other side of the coin is lesser known, but there are individuals who want to have a romantic relationship without the physical aspects.
Here are quick definitions of the two identities:
- Asexuality: Defined as “not experiencing the sexual attraction or intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships.” Some asexual people refer to themselves as “ace.”
- Aromanticism: The lack of romantic attraction towards other people. Some aromantic individuals use the term “aro” to describe their sexual identity.
Remember that these descriptions are a part of a rich spectrum of identities. Some ace people experience no sex drive, while others do but don’t act on it. There are people who masturbate and those who don’t. There’s also a range of attitudes towards sex and romantic relationships, from negative to neutral to positive.
Some people fall into the demisexual or demiromantic categories, for example. These people don’t have a primary sexual or romantic attraction. They need to form a deep bond with someone to experience secondary attraction (to have sex or get romantically involved).
How Many People Are Asexual or Aromantic?
If you’ve never met anyone who told you they were aromantic or asexual, you may have never realised that these identities existed. You’re not likely to find asexual characters in the movies or aromantics in novels. At least, they won’t be described that way.
Despite the silence around this topic, you probably know an asexual or aromantic person. We don’t know the exact numbers, but it’s estimated that in the United States alone, hundreds of thousands of people identify as asexual. According to British estimates, around one percent of people are asexual.
Can You Be Both Asexual and Aromantic?
It’s amazing how diverse the world of human sexual and romantic identities can be. There are people who are both asexual and aromantic, meaning they can lead fulfilling lives without sex and romantic connections.
Others represent a mix. For example, someone may not have erotic contacts with other people but will thrive in a platonic relationship with someone. This type of relationship was once called a “white marriage.”
Asexuality, Aromanticism, and LGBTQ+ Identity
Many experts and activists call for the recognition of asexuality as a sexual orientation. But is there a place for these identities under the LGBTQ+ umbrella? Yes, there is! The acronym keeps on expanding to reflect the richness of human experience.
The most recent, extended version is LGBTQIAP+. The A refers to asexual, aromantic, and agender-identifying persons. Research shows that in the sexual minorities group, approximately 1.7 percent identify as asexual.
Why all the labels, you might ask. If you’re a heterosexual male who has always been accepted for who he is, labels may feel like a fad, but being recognized is important to many people. It helps them validate their experience, find a supportive community, or stop feeling “like a freak.”
People who identify as asexual or aromantic can have different sexual and gender identities. For example, someone who defines as ace may have a romantic interest in people of the same sex. You’ll find asexuality and aromanticism among trans persons, too.
Can You Change Your Sexual Identity?
In the past, we thought that sexual orientation was unchangeable. These days, we have a better understanding of how fluid human nature is, including our erotic and romantic interests.
Many people come to understand late in life that they are on the asexuality or aromanticism spectrum. It’s not uncommon for someone who’s married with children to come out as ace or aro. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, as in our culture we still treat these identities as taboo. Even medical doctors and psychologists lack proper education.
The main takeaway here is that asexuality or aromanticism are not disorders. They don’t require treatment, although some people will need professional help to understand themselves better, come to terms with their identity, or manage the psychological toll of discrimination.
What If Someone You Know Is Asexual or Aromantic?
If a friend or someone you’re dating tells you they are asexual or aromantic, the first thing you can do is believe them. Just like you know who you are, they are the experts in matters of their own identity.
It’s okay to inquire what these terms mean for someone. There may be some confusion, as the term asexual is sometimes used to describe (or even offend) a person who has low libido. But that’s different. People affected by a condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder usually feel bad about it. Ace people don’t suffer due to their lack of sexual interest.
If you learn that your current sexual and/or romantic partner is asexual or aromantic, talk about it before deciding whether it’s possible to continue your relationship. You should understand each other’s needs and hard limits. Sometimes it’s best to ask a counselor or therapist for help.
Resources on Asexuality and Aromanticism
If you suspect you may be asexual or aromantic, or if someone you know is, here is a list of reliable resources to learn about these identities or ask for help.
- Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN). This is one of the oldest websites on the topic, with FAQs and discussion forums.
- The Trevor Project. This is a good resource for young people who are questioning their gender or sexual identity.
- GLAAD. Here you’ll find a great explanation of different asexual and aromantic identities and their varieties.
Learn About Sexuality and Sexual Health With eDrugstore
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Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.