Highlights
- Can a sexless relationship survive? Yes, but it’s important to recognize the signs early and take action to rebuild intimacy.
- We speak of a sexless relationship when a couple stops having sex altogether or does it very rarely.
- The number of sexless marriages has been on the rise since the early 2000s.
- Couples stop having sex for many reasons, such as health, overwhelm, or relationship conflicts.
- If sexlessness is not a conscious decision, you should take action to rebuild intimacy and keep the relationship alive.
Can a sexless relationship survive? Many couples go through phases of low desire but if it takes too long, a crisis may ensue. Finding ways to rebuild intimacy is key to the relationship’s future. Our sex expert has the solutions.
What Is a Sexless Relationship?
Couples who live in sexless relationships engage in sexual activity rarely or not at all. Sometimes sexlessness is defined by frequency of intercourse, but this is very subjective. Some experts define it as no sex for a year; others say if you have sex ten times a year or less, you qualify as sexless.
The decisive factor is the level of satisfaction with the existing situation. If both partners are happy with how often they are intimate, we don’t consider this a sexual problem.
In most cases, however, sexlessness is not a conscious decision. On a rare occasion, two people will decide to live together in a sex-free relationship or marriage, but this is usually connected to their religious beliefs.
Sexlessness does not equal a bad relationship. In my sexological practice, I see women who have warm, loving connections to their husbands. But they feel they live like brother and sister or best friends, not lovers.
How Common Are Sexless Relationships?
It’s a misconception that sexless marriage happens only to older couples. According to research, younger people experience sexual drought, too. A U.S. study analyzed the intimate frequency of younger generations in the beginning of the 21st century.
The study concluded that young married couples are having less sex. The percentage of married men who reported making love at least once a week dropped from 71.1 percent in the early 2000s to 57.7 percent at the end of the second decade of this century. The results for married women were similar — 69.1 to 60.9 percent, respectively.
Why Do Couples Stop Having Sex?
People grow apart for a variety of reasons, from physical to emotional. Even if the cause seems obvious, for example, you recently had a baby and you are both tired, it’s good to dig deeper. Sometimes there is a hidden story to uncover.
Here are the common reasons why couples turn sexless:
Health and Medication
Your physical and mental health can impact your libido. For men, a common concern is erectile dysfunction. Repeated problems getting and keeping an erection can lead to sex avoidance. For women, painful intercourse caused by endometriosis and other conditions can have the same effect.
Then, there are psychological reasons. People with depression often lose the ability to feel pleasure and interest in intimacy. Moreover, antidepressant medication can dull your sexual desire.
Unresolved Sexual Problems
Sometimes sexual activity declines in a relationship because lovemaking was never satisfying to begin with. For women, it could be the lack of orgasm. For men, it could be premature ejaculation. Or the couple may have compatibility issues, such as extreme differences in sexual preferences.
Daily Overwhelm
When I ask my clients why they stopped having sex, I usually hear the same answer: “We’re too tired,” or “There’s too much going on at work and in my life.”
Sex is an energy-consuming activity. When it does happen, it may feel nice, but it takes resolve to get the party started. Couples tell me they would rather cuddle and watch TV.
The endless to-do list, insufficient sleep, poor diet, and too much stress all take a toll on the nervous system. We function in a perpetual “standby mode,” and we try to recharge with caffeine or cigarettes during the day. When evening comes, some of us reach for alcohol to quiet our minds and dull our emotions.
This approach creates a toxic, vicious circle — a libido killer.
Relationship Conflicts
Even if the intimacy itself is OK, tensions and conflicts can cause a bedroom slowdown. Many sexless marriages started out happy, but everything went downhill when the first child was born.
Unclear division of household chores and childcare is a common reason for arguments. If a couple allows these resentments to build up, it will show up in the bedroom. It’s hard to find passion and joy in making love to someone who’s constantly annoying or disappointing you.
Sometimes sexlessness is a result of one partner cheating. Even if the couple has talked about it and the situation seems resolved, the partner who experienced infidelity may be emotionally blocked and refuse to go back to bed.
Why Is Sex So Important?
Sex is much more than orgasm and a bit of fun in the bedroom. Studies show that regular intercourse improves relationship quality by boosting trust and connection.
Knowing that you are desired can improve your self-esteem, too. This is particularly important in long-term couples, when age and illness can impact confidence.
But intimate satisfaction has nothing to do with perfection. I teach my clients the principles of Good Enough Sex. With this approach, we do our best and accept that difficulties are normal. Honest communication and a sound sense of humor are the glue that holds couples together.
Watch this short video to get inspired by the Good Enough Sex philosophy:
Can a Sexless Relationship Survive?
A sexless relationship can survive, but only if the couple makes a conscious decision that they don’t need intimacy. A relationship reshuffle is a good example. With the growing acceptance of non-monogamy, some people decide to open their relationship. Sometimes they agree to look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere while keeping a loving, platonic relationship.
For most couples, especially monogamous ones, prolonged periods without sex may lead to irreparable damage and the end of the relationship. To save what you have, you need to take action to repair and rebuild intimacy.
Here’s what to keep in mind.
How Often Should You Have Sex?
You may be tempted to try to solve your sexlessness with a simple numbers game. But planning intercourse once a week won’t do the trick. There’s no designated frequency that will work for everyone; some couples make love only occasionally and still enjoy a powerful bond.
I encourage sexless couples to think in terms of a minimum and an optimum. Talk about the frequency you need to stay connected. The next step is to imagine how often you wish to make love to feel truly satisfied. Be flexible about it. When times are tough, for example, job stress or health problems kick in, stick to the minimum. When things get better, strive for the optimum.
Expanding the Definition of Sex
There will be times in your life when intercourse is off the table for a while. This doesn’t mean you have to stop being intimate.
Sexuality is much more than penetrative sex. Think of creative ways to give one another sensual pleasure, and get the sexy energy going. Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Erotic massage
- Watching the partner masturbate
- Using sex toys
- Watching adult films together
- Sensual dancing
Staying Intimate Without Sex
If you’re wondering how to survive in a sexless relationship, experiment with ways to nurture your intimacy beyond the sexual context.
Physical touch is very important to most humans, so have regular cuddle sessions. To avoid boredom, experience things together and create lasting memories.
And the most important thing: Have deep conversations to get to know each other better. Even after 20 years together, there’s still a lot to discover!
Get Help For Your Sexual Problems
For some couples, solving the sexlessness puzzle takes a long time. For others, a simple solution is all they need. If you’re avoiding sex because it’s not pleasurable or satisfying, get a good lubricant, and try sex toys.
For men with erectile dysfunction, medication usually does the trick. eDrugstore.com is your go-to source for effective ED treatments. You can fill your prescription online by visiting this page or calling 1-800-467-5146 for a free appointment with a U.S.-licensed physician.
With eDrugstore, virtual health visits and shipping are always free.
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.