People always think I have a cool life – porn star by day, espionage agent by night. And I’m not going to lie to you. Well, actually I am going to lie to you, it’s what I do, I’m a spy.
But it’s the truth when I say that my life is pretty flippin’ cool, and my secret weapon is Cialis online prescriptions.
My name is Palms, Harry Palms.
Not everyone wants cool guys like me and my spy friends around, however, and they don’t even want us to get our hands on Cialis. I discovered that after the coroner pulled the sheet over the head of one of my closest friends.
"So this was the famous Teddy Romance," said the Doc, tsk-tsking away. "A rose in the lapel, a song in his heart, and a side of bacon in his back pocket."
"Yeah, he was a top operative but he did have disgusting eating habits," I sighed. Angry in my grief, I socked one of the cadavers across the jaw and nearly broke two knuckles. Man, that rigor mortis really takes hold.
"I can’t believe Romance is dead. What killed him? Surely not the side effects of Cialis? I know he suffered from erectile dysfunction like me but–"
"Calm down, Harry," said the Doc. "You know how it works with Cialis — side effects are generally mild, and you should always consult your doctor. No, the cause of death is someone packed the poor guy’s mouth with rug fibers. It’s clear he tried to chew and swallow, but after a while he choked to death."
It was hard to believe. Death by carpet munching.
I stormed out and went over to headquarters to be briefed by our commander, O, a really large guy whom the enemy had been trying to locate and kidnap for years, usually with the most beautiful and seductive agents they could recruit. They could keep on trying, I always say, because our guys would be one step ahead of them. In fact, you could say that when it comes to the Big O, men always come first.
"Harry, your assignment should be obvious. Find out who killed Romance."
"I’m on it, boss," I told him.
"You better be careful on this one, old boy. Take plenty of our new technology, the Pharmaceutically Humane Alternatives for Longer-Lasting Undercover Penetration."
Ah yes. Code name P.H.A.L.L.U.S. I nodded and flashed my ED pills. With my Cialis online prescription, I’d be ready. The enemy might get me, but at least I’d go out with a smile on my face.
"We’re pretty sure we know the assassin was using illegal technology. They’ve got Dominant Impersonal and Lubricated Devices for Orgasm."
I knew he meant D.I.L.D.O. — the natural enemy of P.H.A.L.L.U.S.
"You better get to Bangkok," said O.
"Boss, I always feel I should get to Bangkok."
"No, no, moron," he said, rolling his eyes. "You need to rendezvous with the Mole. He’s been on stakeout in Thailand and we’ve lost contact with him. You know that it’s impossible for him to buy Cialis online. So he might be in trouble."
It was true. The Mole was our tiniest agent, a master of disguise, and he could literally hide right on the bodies of enemy female operatives. O was right – to buy Cialis online would do the Mole no good – the average Cialis pill was as tall as he was.
I flew to Thailand only to learn I was too late. No sooner had I run up to Patpong Market than I found one of our tech guys bending over a speck on the pavement. We heard a tiny voice cry, "Help me! Help me!" Then he died, the poor bastard, forgotten like so many anonymous field agents. But I know a person’s a person, no matter how small.
"Months sitting on the bosom of a stunning Asian model," sobbed the tech guy. (I made a note to taunt him later for being a sissy.)
"Jeez, it looks like his whole spine is broken," I said. "He fell to his death?"
He nodded, his eyes downcast. "It was a plunging neckline."
I knew that I was maybe inches away from the fate of these other guys. Before, when it came to the ladies, I was usually a good ten inches away from the fate of these other guys (especially the Mole – poor guy was hung like an amoeba).
There was only one thing to do – spread the word that I was in town and make the assassin come after me. An hour later, I was sitting in a bar when she strolled up. She had almond eyes, ruby red lips like pillows, and hips that waved me a "cleared for boarding" signal from twenty feet away.
"I’m Lois Moans, but you can call me Lo," she whispered, her tongue doing an exploratory exam in my ear.
"Lo Moans, I’m Harry Palms," I said. "I know what you’re after, but you’ll find me a slippery customer."
"Well, slippery Palms, let’s go back to your hotel room, and I’ll show you the Golden Triangle."
I covered my excitement with suave and sophisticated giggling. No sooner had we got back to the hotel and I had taken my Cialis than I felt a blow to the back of the head, and not the fun kind with a pillow.
When I came to, I found I was naked and tied to a chair, but since this happens to me a lot, I didn’t realize I was in trouble for another thirty seconds. Lo Moans was also nude. She may have tied up Harry Palms, but at least one part of him was springing into action.
"You Americans are so easy to fool!" she laughed. "I’m taking you out one by one. First I killed Romance then I removed the Mole. And with you out of the way, Harry, women will finally learn pleasure without having to care about the penis. They’ll recognize the awesome supremacy of the D.I.L.D.O. And I plan to show you before you die!"
"It’ll never work, you minx," I replied. "You know why? Because you don’t know how Cialis works. The advantage of Cialis is that it can be effective for up to 36 hours."
"We’ll put that to the test," said Moans, licking her lips. I heard a horrible whirring sound, and I knew in a moment I’d hear screaming, too. It wouldn’t be me, of course, but hey, it would be kind of a drag to just sit there and watch. And after she was done and had asked her little friend if it was good for him, too, she’d kill me.
Then the whirring stopped, and poor Lo, defeated, was cursing.
"Dead batteries," I smirked. "You naughty girls will never learn."
Overcome by desire, she cut the ropes holding me and ordered, "Palms – up."
I knew I didn’t have to make love to her over and over before I took her into custody, but why waste a good thing? I owed it all to my Cialis online prescriptions.
"I’ll never forget you, Harry," she said as the bars slammed shut on her cell.
"I’ll, uh, I’ll never forget you, too, psycho-killer hot Asian babe," I answered. Just then, however, a willowy blonde walked into the room who was the living daylights. I knew she deserved hard scrutiny…
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