In fact, before Samantha and Darrin of Bewitched shared a bed, it was a rarity on American broadcast television, though cartoon characters Fred and Wilma Flintstone shared a bed on TV starting in 1960. It wasn’t so much that couples didn’t sleep together in real life, but that early television producers were wary of running afoul of the Federal Communication Commission’s indecency standards and didn’t want to take chances.
Even so, sharing a bed was the norm in the real world, and is still considered so. But some couples simply can’t make co-sleeping work, and it has nothing to do with the strength of their relationship. In older times, in fact, separate sleeping was seen as a sign of affluence. When co-sleeping is impossible, a couple may choose to have separate beds in the same room, or different rooms altogether. While it may strike many people as odd for a committed couple to sleep separately, there are advantages to the practice.
Reasons Couples Choose to Sleep Separately
Sure, couples may choose to sleep separately because their relationship is in trouble, but there are plenty of sensible, practical reasons why loving couples make the same choice. When partners have wildly different schedules, due to one working rotating shifts, say, or when the night owl and the morning lark simply can’t get on a workable co-sleeping schedule, separate beds or separate rooms are an option.
Another common reason why couples choose to sleep apart, in separate rooms, is snoring or sleep apnea, which can make it difficult to impossible for the non-snoring partner to get enough rest. Naturally, if a person has sleep apnea, they should seek medical treatment for it, but sleeping apart may be the only practical solution until the problem can be brought under control.
People have different sleep styles too. One partner may have no difficulty falling asleep with the door open and the television on, while another can’t go to sleep if there’s any ambient light at all. Some people don’t move around much while asleep, while others are all over the place. Sometimes partners can accommodate each other’s sleeping styles, but it’s not always possible, and it’s not a sign of relationship failure if they can’t.
Advantages of Separate Beds
For couples who have difficulty sleeping in the same bed (or the same room) the advantages to sleeping separately are obvious. The partner who needs six pillows and an eiderdown can be comfortable, as can the partner who prefers “hospital corners” and a single pillow. When one partner has to get up at an unorthodox hour to go to work, there’s less likelihood of waking up the sleeping partner. The partner who tends to wake up in the middle of the night and likes to bring up a book on the Kindle will be less of a bother to the person who wants to remain in total darkness.
With issues like severe snoring and sleep apnea, separate rooms may, in fact, be the only way the non-snoring partner can get a good night’s sleep, which can affect everything from earning power to accident-proneness to simply getting along during the waking hours.
Advantages of Co-Sleeping
Some couples wouldn’t dream of sleeping separately, and in fact, sleep better together. Some people are natural snugglers, or simply want the warm, secure feeling of knowing their partner is within arms’ reach throughout the night. There are practical advantages to sleeping together too. It’s one less bed to make up in the morning or to change the sheets on periodically, so there’s less laundry. In tight living quarters, co-sleeping can free up floor space that would be taken up by twin beds, and can ensure the second or third bedroom can be put to better use than as a middle-of-the-night refuge.
There are physiological advantages too. For one, co-sleeping decreases the release of the anxiety and stress hormone cortisol, and may increase production of oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone that helps build feelings of intimacy and trust between people.
The Stigma of Sleeping Separately
Perhaps the biggest “problem” with sleeping separately is the stigma it carries. Think of a common movie trope: if a couple is experiencing difficulty, conveying this can be as simple as showing them sleeping in separate beds or rooms. In fact, the English language has long used the term “sleeping together” as a stand-in for “having a sexual relationship.” A couple that is not elderly, or where one doesn’t suffer from obvious health problems is typically secretive about sleeping in separate beds or rooms, because the practice has unfairly been associated with serious sexual or marital problems. This stigma could, ironically, keep couples from having a healthier sex life, because when couples don’t sleep well, there’s less energy and enthusiasm for engaging in sexual activity.
When one or both partners can’t sleep well, the foundation is laid for resentment to build. Sleep deprivation has real physical and psychological effects, and if one partner starts seeing the other as a living symbol of why he or she can’t sleep at night, it’s easy to grow bitter over it. Being rested, on the other hand, helps people think more clearly and deal with problems in a more even-tempered manner.
Regularly getting a good night’s sleep has been linked with lower risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and heart attack. And a poll by the National Sleep Foundation reported that more than one-quarter of respondents said their sex lives suffered when they were tired. In men, sleep deprivation is associated with lower testosterone, and getting enough sleep is also associated with having a lower pain threshold.
And just the fact that good sleep leads to clearer thinking supports the concept of separate sleeping making for a better relationship in couples who simply can’t make co-sleeping work. Couples, where one or both partners are sleep deprived, aren’t in the best position to try to work out relationship problems.
The idea that a happy couple sleeps in the same bed is not as absolute as people have been led to believe. And sleeping apart – in separate beds or separate rooms, temporarily or indefinitely – is not an unmistakable indicator of a relationship that’s in trouble. Separate beds or separate rooms certainly don’t rule out sexual activity, and if such an arrangement allows both partners to be more rested, healthier, and happier, then the benefits of sleeping separately can far outweigh the disadvantages. It’s not as if one partner has to sneak out at night and worry about getting back by curfew. A couple with separate beds or rooms may sometimes end up falling asleep together, which is fine.
Couples with different sleep styles, different circadian rhythms, different work schedules, or where one partner snores loudly can benefit from separate sleeping arrangements, and their sex life can benefit as well. Being well-rested and not seeing a partner as a reason for sleep deprivation are factors that, if anything, can lead to a more intimate and loving sex life.
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