Mitch Bipplethwaite groaned. He sighed. He closed his eyes and thanked God for Nexium, because this was the time of year when he most needed Nexium for relief from persistent heartburn from his acid reflux disease.<\/p>\n
Few people in America knew that Mitch Bipplethwaite was an unknown martyr to the Hollywood slush pile, one of the countless vice-presidents of his studio, which, of course, put him only two offices above the guy who ordered toner for printers.<\/p>\n
He was constantly under stress. And this was the most dreaded season of all, pitch season… When the talented but also the talentless strained Nexium’s healing powers with their proposals to him for big screen blockbusters.<\/p>\n
"What do you got?" Mitch asked his first appointment, his hope sinking.<\/p>\n
"Okay, you know how Speed<\/i> is basically Die Hard<\/i> on a bus, right?" said the hot new director, leaning forward. At 25, he had already directed dozens of commercials for perfume and had told Mitch he didn’t like "reading" because you "had to move your eyes." Sitting in his Beverly Hills cubicle, Mitch was already reaching for his Nexium.<\/p>\n
"And like – like Steven Seagal in Under Siege<\/i> is Die Hard<\/i> on a Navy ship, right?" The young director was getting more and more excited. "And Under Siege 2<\/i> is Die Hard<\/i> on a train, right? You’re going to love this – we’ll use the latest, state of the art computer animation for the special effects. Okay, how about if we come up with a Die Hard<\/i> plot, yeah? Only… only it’s in a building<\/i>!"<\/p>\n
"Get out!" barked Mitch, checking the time. He knew he would need to work through lunch, and so he dutifully took Nexium one hour before he would have to eat. He had trouble swallowing the whole Nexium capsule, so he opened it and mixed the contents with fruit juice, just as his doctor had suggested.<\/p>\n
His assistant sent in his next appointment, a hot new producer who created that Larry King and Paris Hilton duet video. Mitch leaned back in his chair, glad that Nexium works fast. His doctor had explained that Nexium is a "proton pump inhibitor" – shutting down some of the pumps in the stomach that produce stomach acid. So the amount of stomach acid that backs up into the esophagus is greatly reduced.<\/p>\n
"Mitch?" prompted the producer.<\/p>\n
"Sorry, my mind wandered," he said. "What do you got?"<\/p>\n
"The title says it all," answered the producer, beaming. "Zombie Hamlet<\/i>. It’s a classic and a horror franchise in one! Hamlet’s girlfriend, Ophelia, never drowns herself like she does in Shakespeare’s play! That’s the twist for the opening scene. We get Helena Bonham Carter for the role, and in her insanity she brings Hamlet back from the dead with weird experiments – perfect place for computer animation. State of the art stuff! I see Brad Pitt as Hamlet if we can get him for–"<\/p>\n
"Get out!" barked Mitch. God. Two minutes before his next appointment, and his mind was already drifting again. He smiled in memory over another reassuring fact from his doctor – that Nexium also heals the damage to the esophagus from persistent heartburn. In fact, Nexium healed most esophagus erosions in four to eight weeks of treatment. He was going to need all the help he could get.<\/p>\n
The new writing team walked in as Mitch put away his Nexium, opening his bar fridge for his tuna salad sandwich. The writers scowled in disapproval, both of them huge Tofu snobs who thought eating tuna was murder, but they quickly hid their disgust. Tuna could be sacrificed as long as their movie got made.<\/p>\n
"Tell me the story," said Mitch, doing his best not to eat too quickly. No point in taking Nexium if he didn’t follow good habits to make himself better. The writers were simply bursting to explain their pitch.<\/p>\n
"It’s a romantic comedy," said one writer. "It’s sweet, it’s whimsical, and it can use the latest computer animation–"<\/p>\n
"And," said the second writer, eyes lighting up, "we’ve got the perfect branding to build marketing share and offset production costs!"<\/p>\n
"But what’s the plot?" asked Mitch. It was conversations like this that could give you ulcers. Fortunately, Nexium reduced the risk of getting stomach ulcers in people over 60. Mitch wasn’t that old yet, but today he felt like he was. "Come on, the plot…"<\/p>\n
The first writer was chuckling over his own inventiveness. "A real love story. She’s<\/i> a plucky Southern girl trying to make it in New York as the owner of her own bakery. But she suffers from clinical depression – I mean we got to give her obstacles, right? We see a young Jennifer Connelly type in the role. And he’s<\/i> a short, doughy, giggling dude with a zest for life who teaches her the secret ingredients of success! Can you guess who it is?"<\/p>\n
Mitch shook his head.<\/p>\n
"Poppin’ Fresh!" they chimed together. The second writer noticed the fog across Mitch’s face and explained: "The Pillsbury Doughboy! You know – the little cartoon guy in the chef’s hat? A finger pokes his belly, and he giggles? Come on, people love that guy!"<\/p>\n
"Get out!" barked Mitch.<\/p>\n
As the writers made for the door, one of them made a last appeal. "Look, what if we change the part and get a great black actress like Angela Bassett for the female role? I mean the Doughboy’s white, right? We make it controversial, the whole inter-racial, inter-bakery thing–"<\/p>\n
"Get out<\/i>," growled Mitch.<\/p>\nNexium and Mitch Take a Break<\/h3>\n
By the afternoon, Mitch had a headache and felt mildly nauseous, but he knew Nexium has a low risk for side effects so pushed through his discomfort.<\/p>\n
"It’s a musical!" enthused the top composer on the lot, who was hoping to get his first shot at directing. "It’s a huge hit in the Czech Republic – we’ve just got to tweak it a bit for American audiences! It’s got European glamor, exotic locales, but it’s also challenging with lots of symbolism – we’ll use the latest computer animation, state of the art–"<\/p>\n
"But what’s it about?" demanded Mitch.<\/p>\n
The composer clapped his desk with a rhetorical flourish. "The Metric system!"<\/p>\n
Nope. It wasn’t the Nexium causing his headache.<\/p>\n
"I see stars, big stars with Oscar nominations," the composer babbled on. "Julia Roberts as a set of scales, Kevin Costner as a block of wood–"<\/p>\n
"Kevin Costner is always a block of wood!" snapped Mitch. "Get out!"<\/p>\n
He told his receptionist to cancel the rest of his appointments for the day, hand still gripping the vial of Nexium comfortingly. Why didn’t anyone ever make a movie about the little guy suffering with something like acid reflux? Now there<\/i> was an underdog story. But it had hope, too, with Nexium. Yeah, Nexium… It even made a great title. Nexium. He buzzed his receptionist and said, "Get me the script department."<\/p>\n