{"id":12299,"date":"2016-05-20T11:35:00","date_gmt":"2010-05-20T11:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.accessrx.com\/blog\/?p=100"},"modified":"2010-05-20T11:35:00","modified_gmt":"2010-05-20T11:35:00","slug":"interview-with-marriage-and-family-counselor-marne-wine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.edrugstore.com\/blog\/expert-interviews-and-podcasts\/interview-with-marriage-and-family-counselor-marne-wine\/","title":{"rendered":"Interview with Marriage and Family Counselor Marne Wine"},"content":{"rendered":"

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This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the eDrugstore.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews<\/a>.<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0 Do you believe there is a social stigma still present regarding sex? If yes, how can we move past that and speak more freely to our partners and possibly counselors about bettering our sexual experiences?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2666\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 It would be helpful if you could clarify what you mean by \u201csocial stigma\u201d. The two social stigma\u2019s that immediately come to mind are these: a bias against men, believing they should be able to get erections on demand, to be able to maintain as long as desired, and to be able to perfectly control the timing of ejaculation and orgasm.<\/p>\n

For women, it\u2019s easy if they aren\u2019t able to respond naturally. They can use lubrication from a bottle, or spit, and they can be good to go. Not so easy for a man unless he has some scaffolding nearby. It is socially acceptable for a woman to be too tired for sex, to not be in the mood, or to want more foreplay time before proceeding. Men are not afforded those luxuries, even though they often need to be able to say these same things.<\/p>\n

\u2666\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In order to \u201cspeak more freely\u201d about sex with our partners, we need to look at ourselves first. Be clear on what your intention is when you bring up the topic. What do you want out of this conversation? Then hold tight to that intention and begin by asking your partner for time to talk. i.e. \u201cI have something I\u2019d like to talk about when you have some time.\u201d Then begin by saying something like, \u201cTalking about sex is not always the easiest thing to do, but that\u2019s what I want to talk to you about today.<\/p>\n

I want to be clear about what I\u2019m hoping to get out of this conversation\u201d\u2026.(then state the intention). If your partner gets their feelings hurt, as is often the case when we discuss sex, take their feelings seriously by saying something like, \u201cI\u2019m not telling you this to hurt your feelings; I\u2019m just trying to improve our sex life with this suggestion\u2026\u201d If your partner is resistant to what you\u2019re discussing, then try to rephrase things, or offer alternatives\u2026be respectful. \u201cI understand if this is something you don\u2019t want to try. Perhaps we could come up with something else. Do you have some ideas?\u201d What\u2019s important is you don\u2019t give up. Keep talking. If the conversation becomes heated or begins to escalate, it\u2019s ok to let it go\u2026but do try to come back to it again later. You want this to be a positive, helpful conversation. Don\u2019t give up.<\/p>\n

\u2666\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 In speaking with counselors more freely about sex, it\u2019s up to the counselor to help their client feel comfortable. If you feel you can\u2019t speak freely to your counselor, get a new one, hopefully one who is certified through an organization like AASECT.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0 With ever-mounting responsibilities (work, children, aging parents, etc) being natural mood-killers, how can couples move past these obstacles and let loose enough to enjoy a healthy sex life?<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is a typical question that comes into my office daily. It IS hard to find time to make sex a priority. The first goal needs to be an individual one, not a couple one. Inspiration to work on making sex a priority in your life must come from inside you\u2014not from our partner, society, or some perceived expectation of what our sexuality is supposed to look like. Once the individual commitment is anchored, the couple must make a commitment to each other to make things better. That\u2019s all that needs to happen\u2014you don\u2019t need to make things perfect, or always spontaneous, or consistently satisfying\u2014you just need to make a commitment to try.<\/p>\n

You want to make the sex in your life \u201cgood enough\u201d you want to get back to it regularly. And it\u2019s the responsibility of each person to define and create what \u201cgood enough\u201d means. You\u2019re looking at \u201cbridges to desire\u201d. How do we bridge from life responsibilities that drain our energy and libidos, to wanting to TRY to have sex? Oftentimes it\u2019s honoring the person who is simply horny and wants the sexual release, sometimes it\u2019s honoring the person who needs the emotional and intimate connection first so they are willing to try to become aroused. Once aroused, then desire shows up.<\/p>\n

Practical things you can do to help: schedule time for sex when you both aren\u2019t too tired, read erotic novels, lay in bed and look at each other\u2014and just talk about the day prior to beginning sex, laugh, spend some time doing something new outside the bedroom\u2014(new activities can be fun and energize us, or complete disasters that still make us laugh), buy self-help books with tips and actually try something different, get a babysitter and go to a hotel. Surprise your partner somehow. You can figure something out\u2026<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0 What is one thing most couples are missing from their sex life?\u00a0 What are some sure-fire ways to ensure the sexual rela<\/strong>tionship is<\/strong> enhanced?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u2666\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The one thing most couples are missing from their sex life is their individual identity. \"\"We lose a sense of who we are separate from our partners. Oftentimes what our partners think, want, believe, becomes more important than what we think, want and believe.<\/p>\n

\u2666\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The most important thing you can do for your libido is to take good care of the person you are outside all the roles you play in life. So, if you aren\u2019t thinking about being a wife, husband, mother, father, daughter, son, sister, brother, career person, etc\u2026..WHO ARE YOU? Take care of the essence of who you are outside the roles you play in life and find a balance of personal time, relationship time and work time.<\/p>\n

When you feel overwhelmed by life, look at this trio of personal time, relationship time and work time and ask, \u201cWhere am I out of balance?\u201d Then do ONE thing in an area that is out of balance. You won\u2019t believe how simple that is and yet what a big impact it can have on your life in general\u2014which will affect your sex life too.<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0 What are some non-threatening or \u201cscary\u201d ways couples can communicate their sexual expectations and desires with each other?<\/strong><\/p>\n

There is nothing that isn\u2019t scary or non-threatening about talking with our partners about sexual expectations and desires. In most cases feelings get hurt, people become threatened and scared, or angry\u2026It\u2019s about our willingness to allow ourselves to feel anxious, get grounded in good intentions, then forge ahead.<\/p>\n

About Marne Wine:\u00a0 <\/strong>www.btid.com<\/a>
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

Marne is a licensed professional counselor, specializing in family and couple counseling. Although Marne works with a variety of individual and couple\u2019s issues, her primary emphasis is on sexual health. She has been trained in multiple models of sexual intimacy enhancement and enjoys working with both men and women. Pronounced \u201cMarnie\u201d, Ms. Wine received her master\u2019s degree in counseling\/psychology from the University of Colorado at Denver. She was the in-house marriage and family therapist for Lockheed-Martin\u2019s Employee Assistance Program from 1994 -1998. In that capacity, Marne was responsible for assessment, referrals, counseling and case-management for clients experiencing stress, depression, anxiety, developmental transitions, grief, workplace issues, eldercare, crisis trauma, positive drug tests, threats to violence in the workplace and coping with change for transferred and downsized employees.<\/p>\n

Marne uses cognitive behavioral and differentiation approaches to therapy. Most clients are expected to learn \u201canxiety modulation\u201d within the context of their current relationships. In this way, clients learn when and how to stand up for themselves. They also learn ways to respond to the conflicts and stressors in their lives, rather than react in a non-controlled manner.<\/p>\n

Read more of our expert interviews:<\/strong>
\nBetty Dodson, Renowned Sexologist, Author, Feminist, Educator<\/a>
\n<\/a>Dean Osborne, Human Nature of Cheating<\/a>
\n<\/a>Dr. MP Wylie, Relationship Advisor<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This interview is one in a series of expert interviews on the eDrugstore.com blog. We add new interviews on a regular basis. Please see our complete list of insightful interviews. 1.\u00a0 Do you believe there is a social stigma still present regarding sex? If yes, how can we move past that and speak more freely […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_autoblog_aioseo_focus_keyphrase":"","_autoblog_aioseo_title":"","_autoblog_aioseo_description":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-expert-interviews-and-podcasts"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t