A few years ago, when my\u00a019-year marriage was ending, I met a woman that I was sure was \u201cThe One.\u201d\u00a0 We had amazing chemistry!\u00a0 This was especially exciting for me because the marriage I was coming out of was a nicely functioning, but nearly plutonic relationship.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t fight much because we shared commitments concerning our son, finances and spirituality.\u00a0But we were like brother and sister.\u00a0There was no passion and chemistry between us.\u00a0 So when I met \u201cThe One,\u201d I thought I\u2019d died and gone to heaven because we were like a couple of teenagers\u2014madly in love and having wild sex multiple times a day.<\/p>\n
A little over a year later, and happily engaged to be married, I began to see that although we had chemistry, we didn\u2019t have shared commitments on which to build our relationship!\u00a0 <\/p>\n
We were hot for each other, but we weren\u2019t right for each other.\u00a0I was devastated.\u00a0Would I ever find a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments?<\/p>\n
This second break up led me to embark on what I call a conscious way of choosing a life partner.\u00a0 One day, I sat down at my computer and brainstormed.\u00a0 I came up with three questions to help me determine if a woman was, indeed, \u201cThe One.\u201d\u00a0These questions became a safeguard against the danger of making a commitment based solely on chemistry.\u00a0Within six months, I was in a relationship that had both chemistry and shared commitments\u2014and she is now my wife!\u00a0 I hope that these questions can help guide you toward finding the love of your life.<\/p>\n
Question #1:\u00a0 Am I compromising any significant desire, dream or direction in my life to be with her?<\/strong><\/p>\n When I was with \u201cThe One,\u201d I was compromising a key purpose of my life: fatherhood.\u00a0She lived one thousand miles away from my son and was unwilling to move.\u00a0To be with her meant that I had to move away from him.\u00a0So I compromised on my purpose, for a time, because we had such great chemistry.<\/p>\n Are you giving up anything really important to you, like a life long dream, a path or a core purpose, in order to be with someone?\u00a0One of the ways you know that they are \u201cThe One,\u201d is that there is nothing of importance that you are giving up in exchange for being in the relationship.\u00a0Healthy relationships support the pursuit of dreams and creativity.\u00a0Many people believe that compromise is a good thing in a relationship.\u00a0That\u2019s a total lie.\u00a0Compromise is a red flag.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to abandon your dreams or change your direction in life to be with someone.\u00a0If you do, it\u2019s a sign you\u2019re with the wrong person!<\/p>\n Question #2:\u00a0 Does she have absolutely all of my \u201cdeal makers\u201d and none of my \u201cdeal breakers\u201d?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n That day at my computer, I also got clear on a couple of basics I had to have, and would not stand for, in a partner.\u00a0I call them \u201cdeal makers\u201d and \u201cdeal breakers.\u201d\u00a0For instance, my primary \u201cdeal maker\u201d is having a woman who is completely devoted to her spiritual growth, above all else.\u00a0Secondly, I want a woman who takes 100% responsibility for her experiences, problems and emotions.\u00a0I\u2019m not interested in relating intimately with a blamer or a victim.\u00a0Thirdly, I want openness, someone who reveals rather than conceals.\u00a0And lastly, I want someone committed to a healthy lifestyle.\u00a0Those were my \u201cdeal makers,\u201d things I had to have.<\/p>\n My \u201cdeal breakers\u201d were women who smoked, were sexually disinterested, workaholics, or had children under the age of ten.\u00a0 I have no judgment about those issues, they\u2019re just not what I want in my life.\u00a0Again, if any of those things were true, I would end the relationship immediately, no matter how great our chemistry was.\u00a0But I was fudging on some of these with \u201cThe One.\u201d\u00a0It was partly because we had such great chemistry, but also because I had a scarcity mindset.<\/p>\n Like many people, I thought there was a shortage of women who were perfectly suited for me.\u00a0And if you hold that belief, you\u2019ll likely overlook something significant, especially if the physical attraction is high.\u00a0The truth is that there are many partners that embody what you are looking for.\u00a0And the universe will bring them to you if you wait and refuse to settle.<\/p>\n Question #3:\u00a0 Would I be completely happy, if from this moment on, nothing about her or our relationship changed?<\/strong><\/p>\n I\u2019ve saved the most critical question for last.\u00a0What if nothing ever changes about your partner or your relationship?\u00a0What if five years from now, everything, and I mean, everything, is the same?\u00a0What if they never lose weight?\u00a0What if they still don\u2019t handle their credit cards responsibly?\u00a0What if their sexual interest never changes?\u00a0You can\u2019t be in love with fantasy.\u00a0You must be in love with reality, the person they are now.<\/p>\n The primary reason I know my wife is \u201cThe One,\u201d is that for the first time in my relational life, I am not in love with who I hope my woman will become.\u00a0I\u2019m in love with her\u2014now.\u00a0In my previous relationships, I would hope the woman in my life would become more interested in sex, lose weight or take an interest in spiritual things.\u00a0I didn\u2019t really love them as they were, I loved who I thought they could and should be.<\/p>\n Are you in love with your partner or their potential?\u00a0Let go of hoping your partner will get thinner, smarter, richer, sexier, happier, or more responsible than they are right now.\u00a0Assume they won\u2019t.\u00a0Assume nothing will change.\u00a0Are they still \u201cThe One\u201d?<\/p>\n Roy Biancalana is an author, life coach and former PGA Tour player.<\/p>\n www.coachingwithroy.com<\/a> A few years ago, when my\u00a019-year marriage was ending, I met a woman that I was sure was \u201cThe One.\u201d\u00a0 We had amazing chemistry!\u00a0 This was especially exciting for me because the marriage I was coming out of was a nicely functioning, but nearly plutonic relationship.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t fight much because we shared commitments concerning […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_autoblog_aioseo_focus_keyphrase":"","_autoblog_aioseo_title":"","_autoblog_aioseo_description":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[85],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12255","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-expert-interviews-and-podcasts"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t
\nroy@coachingwithroy.com<\/a>
\n407-687-3387<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"