If you could choose one emoji to describe sexual excitement, what would you pick? Fire? A red-hot chili? Or lightning that strikes you out of nowhere? We think of arousal as something rapid and spontaneous. And this is not always the case, especially with the ladies. Most women get turned on by different things than men. Don’t give up if your partner has lost all interest in sex. Learn women’s arousal secrets and become a better lover.
The Misunderstood Female Desire
Excitement-orgasm-resolution. This simple model, described by researchers Masters and Johnson, was used by sex therapists until the end of the 20th century. Helen Singer Kaplan modified it later, arguing that the whole journey started with desire.
Many women and couples still believe the key to a happy bedroom life is spontaneous excitement — this sudden urge to get it on.
While the fire and urgency of desire are common in the early stages of a relationship, those of us who live in long-term partnerships or marriages can attest that after years together, the thrill fades away.
So many women who come to my practice blame themselves for their low libido. They think they are frigid and should be fixed. I tell them that there is nothing wrong with them. They just need to understand the complex nature of their desire.
A New Model of Female Arousal
In 2000 sexologist Rosemary Basson published her own model of female arousal. The diagram was no longer linear but circular. The researcher added one missing component to the earlier descriptions of sexuality: She said desire, especially for women, was responsive.
What it meant is that women chose to engage in erotic play even if they didn’t feel a strong physical drive to do so. Desire was more of a conscious decision, a result of different factors, such as the need for closeness, for acceptance, or even the memory of the last pleasurable intercourse.
Do you want to know what your lady wants in bed? Here are some tips to get you started:
Warm Her Up
While adult films try to convince us that all women are ready for intercourse after five minutes of kissing and fondling of breasts, the reality is much different. A good warm-up is key to good sex. Give her a massage, focusing on her inner thighs, buttocks, and lower belly but avoiding the genitals.
Warming your lover up also means … keeping her warm. Most women I have worked with said they were sensitive to temperature. When we are warm enough, we can relax and focus on pleasure. Get a shower together. Turn up the heating or use an electric blanket under the sheets. Now that’s what I call hot sex!
Important note for men with erectile dysfunction: By extending the play part before intercourse, you naturally weave in the time needed for Viagra pills to take effect. By the time she is warmed up, you too will be ready to go.
Understand Her Cycle
When you were a teenager, did you have someone come to your school to explain “the facts of life”? Many of us received very basic sex education. Some schools still offer these classes in gender-segregated subgroups. This means boys grow up not knowing anything about menstruation and women’s cycles.
Female arousal is very much hormone-dependent. If she is in her fertile years, she will feel super horny on some days of her cycle. On other days she may get cranky and lose all interest in getting frisky. Plan accordingly. Organize a sexy get-together in the first part of her cycle and focus on cuddling and hugging when she is before her period.
If you struggle with ED, make sure you have your Viagra or similar medication ready for her horny days. When she is not in the mood for full intercourse, seize this opportunity to nurture intimacy in other ways.
Tell Her a Story
Do you know why so many women complain about porn? We simply miss the storyline! When there is no buildup of sexual tension between actors, we feel there is something missing. Time to go the extra mile for your lady. Find alternative erotic movies online. Trust me, they do exist, and they are good.
A note from a pro: Your lady may not be as hooked on visuals as you are. While you may enjoy watching naked people getting it on, she may be more excited by listening to them! Find sexy audio stories and listen together. Or get an erotic novel and read her a bedtime story. Chances are high you won’t be getting much sleep that evening.
One O Leads to Another
We’ve all seen the funny memes about guys falling asleep after sex. As a man, you can probably relate. It’s completely normal to go into that resting phase after an orgasm. For women, things are a bit different. Our bodies function differently. Most of us are ready for another pleasure experience right after the first one.
What’s more, for lots of women it’s easier to experience pleasure through intercourse after they came through clitoral stimulation first. So, spare no effort to touch and caress her before penetrative sex. Give her an amazing oral orgasm and prepare for more when your bodies connect!
Keep Her on the Edge
Have you ever heard about a technique called edging? This is something both men and women can use to build up sexual excitement. Caress her the way she likes or make love until she is ready to come and … stop. Take a break, stop moving, breathe. Let the arousal drop a little.
After a while, start again. The orgasm that will come at the end of this game will be amazing. For this method to work you need a pretty reliable erection. If you are dealing with ED, talk to your doctor about medication, for example, Viagra or Cialis.
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Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.