- Low libido in women may have physical or psychological causes.
- Some women lose their sex drive after pregnancy or during menopause.
- Relationship problems can cause a drop in libido.
- As a man, you can support your partner in getting her desire back.
- If you have ED, treating it will help reduce her stress in the bedroom.
It’s happening again. You want to have sex with your wife or girlfriend, but she’s not in the mood. She has to finish something for work or she urgently needs to clean the kitchen cupboards. What’s going on?
Many guys worry that low libido in women is a sign of cheating, but that’s rarely the case. And there’s a lot you can do to help your lady get her bedroom mojo back.
Causes of Low Libido in Women
For most people, sex drive is a sign of health and vitality. If a woman’s desire drops, it means there’s something going on in her life that needs to be addressed. Understanding the cause of low libido is the first step to getting the spark back.
Physical Causes of Low Libido
Remember the last time you had the flu? You weren’t interested in sex back then, were you? When the body is in pain or discomfort, you lose your libido. Here are some of the common health concerns that may result in her loss of interest in intimacy:
Painful sex. If intercourse hurts, she’ll avoid it. For many women, problems begin after childbirth or as they enter menopause.
Hormones. Most guys will never understand the hormonal rollercoaster women go through. And it’s not just about her getting cranky before period, though that’s a very real issue. There’s also pregnancy, menopause, and for some women, even monthly ovulation. Hormones can do crazy things to a woman’s libido.
Health problems. Low libido can be a symptom of many diseases, such as diabetes. And family physicians rarely make a connection between the lack of interest in sex and general health.
Medication and birth control. Low libido is a side effect of taking certain medications. And the biggest paradox of all? For some women, the very birth control designed for more carefree sex can dampen desire.
Drinking and smoking. A little bit of alcohol is OK, but if your partner drinks too much, she may withdraw from bedroom activities. Same goes for drugs and even cigarettes. Substance abuse affects her health, energy, and mood.
Tiredness. Number one reason why new moms lose sex drive? Sleep deprivation. Working overtime and taking on too many responsibilities also leads to chronic fatigue. It’s hard to think about lovemaking when all you want is a good long nap.
Psychological Causes of Low Libido
Does the phrase, “I’m not in the mood, honey” sound familiar? This is the common explanation women give when they don’t want to make love. And it’s not a lie. Our libido lives in our minds and in our hearts. Emotional disturbances can lead to a drop in sexual interest.
Psychological issues that can dampen desire include:
Stress. Short-term stress can boost our motivation and push us to reach for our dreams. But chronic stress is destructive for physical and mental health — and that includes libido.
Depression. Mental health is connected to sexuality. If your partner has depression, she may not be able to feel joy or pleasure. Moreover, some antidepressants may lower sex drive.
Relationship problems. Is your wife or partner giving you the cold shoulder in bed? Take a good hard look at your relationship. Unresolved conflicts pile up, and she may be angry or disappointed with you.
Sexual inhibitions. If your partner has always been shy about sex, she may have negative beliefs about the body, pleasure, and desire. Maybe she was raised in a strict household or was taught religious beliefs that interfere with the enjoyment of sex. It’s also possible she has had a traumatic experience or sexual abuse.
Asexuality. Some people are on the asexuality spectrum. It doesn’t always mean they don’t need any physical contact. A sex therapist can help your partner check if her low libido is a sign of asexuality.
What You Can Do To Help
If your wife or girlfriend has low desire, it’s neither your nor her fault. There’s no right level of sexual interest. Look for ways to better understand and resolve this situation. She may need to work out some issues on her own.
With others, you can support her. Here’s how:
Be a Man She Can Trust
Show your partner that she can trust you and you’re there for her. Assure her you won’t judge or push her to have more sex if she’s not ready. If having a conversation about intimate topics is hard, a sex coach or couples counselor can help.
Follow the Cycle
If your partner is not taking hormones (and she’s still in her fertile years), she will be the most interested in sex when she’s ovulating. For many women, this is also the time when intercourse is most comfortable because there’s lots of lubrication.
Please Her Right
Don’t assume she wants the same thing as you do. Intercourse and orgasm may be your end goal, but for her, kissing, massaging, and caressing may be as important. Touch and please her until she’s relaxed and ready to go further.
Some women have a hard time telling their lover that sex hurts. Observe her facial expressions. Note if she’s moving away from you — it could mean she’s trying to avoid discomfort. When in doubt, ask!
Don’t Make It All About Intercourse
Your partner will be more interested in intimacy when she can get sexy with you without the obligation to go all the way. Make sure she knows she can stop any time. And if she wants to end the erotic session when you’re super aroused? Finish yourself or ask her to give you a hand (literally).
Offer to Give Her a Hand
If you have children, your partner may be exhausted from coming home every weekday to a second shift. If she works full time and is then responsible for making dinner, doing the dishes, supervising homework, bathing and getting the kids to bed, she may simply be too tired to think about sex.
If you’re not doing this already, you can help by taking some of that load on yourself. Offer to do the dishes sometimes or get the kids to bed. You may be surprised by the difference it can make in how she feels about sex and your relationship in general.
Your Sexual Health Matters, Too
Low libido in women is like a puzzle with three different types of pieces. She is responsible for some of them. As a couple, you can fix certain things together. And there will be the pieces that you’re responsible for, like your own sexual health.
If you suffer from erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, this can add to her stress. She may feel overwhelmed and give up on sex altogether.
Do your part, and get effective treatment for intimate concerns, such as ED. It’s as simple as seeing a doctor or using our free telemedicine consultation to get a prescription for ED medication, such as Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. Find out more about quick-acting ED treatments here, and get your love life back on track!
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist, reproductive health expert and Certified Sex Coach™. In her online practice she helps busy women and couples solve their intimate problems.