by Dan Seitz
We don’t mean to pick on celebrities. We really don’t. In fact, we started this article with the full and noble intention of picking on random schmucks on the Internet with bad hair plugs. But it turns out nobody wants to study the hair plugs of random schmucks; they’d rather study the hair plugs of famous schmucks. So here are twenty celebs that really should have tried toupees, or maybe Propecia:
1) Brendan Frasier
We’d have a face like that too, if we paid a fortune for our armpit hair to be located on our head.
2) Kevin Costner
Finally, surgery has caught up to the special effects in “Waterworld!”
3) Joe Biden
You’ve got to give Joe credit: he kept his silver hair. Now if only he’d paid for more than one strand a plug…
4) Jon Gosselin
He got these in preparation for “Jon Minus 9”. Which is so going to happen. Any day now…
5) Sylvester Stallone
What’s really sad is he not only got hair plugs, he dyed them. Come on, Sly, we all know you’re in your sixties.
6) Some Random Douche
OK, we admit we have no idea who this dude is. But we like his “bald but pretending it stopped halfway” style. It goes perfectly with that Real Doll he took to this event.
7) Jude Law
Jude Law is a great actor. And whoever convinced him this was a good idea is an incredible actor themselves.
8) Mickey Rourke
We know, you’re shocked, SHOCKED, that Mickey Rourke has hairplugs. We’re just sincerely shocked the dude’s somehow rockin’ them.
9) Nick Lachey
He still counts as a celebrity, right? Either way, he had a nice, subtle job that nobody would notice…if it weren’t for the bazillion pictures of him balding going around the Internet.
10) Tommy Lee Jones
If it weren’t for the fact that his balding had magically reversed a few years ago, we never would have known. Come on, Tommy. You can actually look good without hair.
11) Kevin James
Awww, he’s doing his part to save the Earth by having grass implanted on his scalp!
12) Billy Bob Thornton
There seems to be a high incidence of hair plugs being grown out and paired with soul patches. Maybe growing hair for future farming?
13) Steven Seagal
OK, so they’re obviously fake. But at least they’re not in that stupid ponytail.
14) David Beckham
Join us, with David Beckham, to raise awareness for the disease of Male Argyle Pattern Baldness.
15) Steve Carell
Steve Carell went an entire season with that plug-revealing haircut on “The Office” solely to get laughs and create a character. The rest of this list could take notes.
16) Alex Rodriguez
Dude, what do you care about your hair? You’re paid to play. Also, Good Lord, at least dye your scalp or something if you’re going to get a plug job that terrible.
17) Derek Jeter
You know, like your fellow Yankee, who quite frankly would look better bald.
18) Prince William
William’s got the right idea: pass it off as losing your hair slowly, and grow an awesome beard to compensate.
19) David Hasselhoff
No, we don’t know why there’s a giant naked Hasselhoff dummy in this photo. Or why they kept his plugs. Some things you’ll just have to try and forget.
20) Johnny Lee Miller
Speaking of things to forget, this b-list actor sleeping with Sienna Miller on a regular basis with hair that looks like he scalped a kid from the ’80s. That belongs high on the list, too.