Herb crawled across the shiny pink expanse, choking and crying out, "Propecia… Propecia!" Al looked back, a bit irritable, demanding, "Don’t you mean ‘Water? Water?
"No, man," said Herb, giving up on the theatrics. "If this guy took Propecia, we wouldn’t be crawling across this desert, we’d be happily moving through a cool jungle of lush, rich hair. You are the dumbest ant I know, Al."
Al was, of course, now ticked off. "Oh, yeah? Who’s the one who suggested climbing up here, huh? The guy’s sleeping in the sun, you said. He’s on holiday, you said. It’s something to do, you said!"
"Hey, I didn’t realize how badly the guy was losing his hair," insisted Herb. "The situation looked a little more… forested from down below."
Al parked himself on the gentle slope of the crown. At least there was a great view – nice lawn up ahead. "Well, what is this Propecia anyway?"
Herb swatted him with his antennae. "You got compound eyes, but you never pay attention to the Internet! Propecia, you insect, is the first pill on the market for humans to effectively treat male pattern hair loss on the top of the head and right where you’re sitting, the front mid-scalp area."
"What do I care about that for?" asked Al. "I got mandibles. Chicks dig mandibles."
"With more hair, the more we can crawl around on these guys during picnics, and they won’t feel us as much," argued Herb, swatting him again. "Besides, they’re so impressed with their new looks, they don’t mind a few ants. With Propecia, 83% of men maintained their hair based on a hair count."
"Jeez, who’s going to count all those hairs?" wondered Al, picking a breadcrumb out of his teeth.
It’s Never Too Late for Propecia
"Anyway, it’s probably too late for this guy," said Al, making a small knock on the hard skull.
"Not at all," replied Herb. "Human guys who take Propecia usually stop losing their hair and even grow new hair. Look, if you’re not going to listen to honest ants, trust the humans. Most men say they enjoyed an increase in the amount of hair, a decrease in hair loss, and that their looks improved, so there!"
"It is really empty up here," said Al, looking around. "Hello!" The hello echoed and bounced off a large thicket of growth close to the temple.
"Don’t do that, he might wake up!" Herb scolded him. He looked around and shielded his eyes. "Wow, you get a real glare off this side… I almost feel sorry for the poor schmuck. If he started taking Propecia now, he’d probably see results as early as three months. And after half a year, he’d probably experience whole new regrowth, and not just ‘peach fuzz’ but real lustrous, nice growth on top and at the front of his scalp. The longest study of Propecia was five years, and 90% of men who took part showed improvement or no visible hair loss."
"Um… Isn’t that waaaay longer than we’ll be alive?" asked Al.
"Don’t be morbid," said Herb. "We’re worker ants, pal. We’re in the business of solving problems, and it’s getting like the Astrodome up here. Humans really don’t see the big picture the way we do."
"Are there any side effects to taking this Propecia?" asked Al cheerfully. "You know, like with radiation? Could he grow big and huge and have multiple spider legs and try to take over the Earth?"
Herb shook his head, his antennae drooping. "I knew it was a bad idea taking you to that science fiction movie festival. Sorry to disappoint you, pal, but with Propecia, side effects aren’t that common. Some human guys don’t want to mate as much, but that was a really low percentage, and the effect goes away as soon as they stop taking Propecia. I never understand the point with their mating anyway – they’ve only produced a few billion. What kind of numbers are those? Now Propecia–"
"Look, I only came out for a nosh on his bagel and maybe tickle him a bit," said Al, getting bored. "I think you do all this stuff just to impress the Queen."
"The Queen," sneered Herb. "So stuck up! ‘Oooo, I’m Queen of the colony!’ Besides, she ate Fred the other day. That kind of puts a guy off. Look, we could go back to the hill, get a few hundred of the guys and spell out Propecia in front of him, but he’d probably stomp on us. So I’m thinking if we all work together, we could maybe lift a Propecia bottle out of the hotel pharmacy and bring it over here. We could pop a tablet into his mouth.."
Al wasn’t enthusiastic. "Yeah, but you’re asking the guys to lift a whole bottle of what? Thirty Propecia tablets, right? I’m not sure there’s enough of that half-eaten bagel to go around!"
Herb scuttled over and put two arms around his shoulders. "Look at it this way. If we do this, the guy will finally realize he needs Propecia. His hair grows back, and he feels more confident and attractive. That means he’ll find a suitable human mate and take her out on picnics, and that means more discarded food. For us. Get it?"
"Boy, you really have a lot of confidence in this Propecia stuff," said Al. "And in human breeding based on looks. This whole operation better not turn out like that job stealing candy from that six year old."
"I didn’t know she had a magnifying glass!" said Herb. "Let’s go get the Propecia for him. Hey, check it out. We can slide all the way down to the nose from here."
"I think you owe me big for this," said Al. "And so does this guy, for getting him this Propecia stuff."
"They’re showing Godzilla vs. Mothra tonight on Fox," said Herb. "You’ll love it."
"And the giant moth wins, right?" asked Al innocently. "The moth does win, right?"
"Uh, sure, kid," said Herb, sliding down the forehead.
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